The Secret to Flourishing (In Relationships, At Work and Health)

Note From Jim:


Unless you’ve fully mastered the art and science of “Human Flourishing”, the article below about your conscious use of words and actions, is a must to read.

The lessons conveyed are imperative for your self, for the special people in your life, for your business colleagues, for your business team, for your subordinates, and for your relations with bosses.

Ken Nowack of Envisa has given me ongoing permission to repost his work at my Blog. I do so below because of the important lessons that his most recent work brings to light.

I’ve listed some excerpted items to tickle your intellectual curiosity but a full read of Ken’s article will most certainly be required in order to advance your own mastery.


Excerpts:

…if you really want to flourish, emphasize the positive at least three times more than the negative… studies demonstrate the power of positive emotions and behaviors individuals, relationships and team functioning. They even suggest an upper and lower “tipping point” for all of us to consider.

[It is possible]… to actually predict how long relationships will last, how healthy we will be or how well teams will be high performers just based on the ration of positive to negative interactions with others…

… a common positive-to-negative ratio of emotions and behaviors of about 3:1 (sometimes called the Losada ratio).
… individuals, partnerships and teams appear to flourish when this “tipping point” is reached.

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Happy Relationships…John Gottman’s pioneering research on marriages suggests that there is a “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 — in terms of our balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple’s interactions are near that 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. When the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages “cascade to divorce.”

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Team Performance…accurately predict how well teams perform … Maricial Losada and his team in 1999… Their analysis suggested that the high performing or flourishing teams could be categorized as those have at least a 2.9 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions among team members.

[But] So, for team productivity and performance there appears to be an upper limit to just how many times team members can be positive before it has a detrimental impact on the functioning of the team.

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Mental Health… the importance of the positive-to-negative ratio for mental health and well-being comes from Robert Schwartz and colleagues from the University of Pittsburg… Schwartz and colleagues reported that among patients who showed optimal remission, indexed by both self-report and clinical ratings, mean post-treatment positivity ratios were 4.3 to 1. Among those who showed typical remission by the same criteria, mean post-treatment positivity ratios were 2.3…. Recent research by Barbara Fedickson at the University of Michigan provides one more bit of evidence about the 3:1 positivity-to-negativity ratio with mental health. She followed 188 participants for 28 days asking them to keep a daily report of positive and negative emotions they experienced. Results showed that the mean ratio of positive to negative affect was above 2.9 for individuals classified as flourishing and below that threshold for those not flourishing.

Positive Emotions and Physical Health… Three important studies also suggest that emphasizing positive emotions play a direct role on our physical health and well-being and even predict longevity

Taken together, these studies demonstrate the power of positive emotions and behaviors individuals, relationships and team functioning. They even suggest an upper and lower “tipping point” for all of us to consider.

… if you really want to flourish, emphasize the positive at least three times more than the negative

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The Secret to Flourishing (In Relationships, At Work and Health) February 3, 2013 by Ken Nowack

“Fall seven times; stand up eight.”
Japanese proverb

Is it possible to actually predict how long relationships will last, how healthy we will be or how well teams will be high performers just based on the ration of positive to negative interactions with others?

It appears that we can and that all of the above share a common positive-to-negative ratio of emotions and behaviors of about 3:1 (sometimes called the Losada ratio).

In fact, individuals, partnerships and teams appear to flourish when this “tipping point” is reached.

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Happy Relationships

John Gottman’s pioneering research on marriages suggests that there is a “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 — in terms of our balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple’s interactions are near that 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. When the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages “cascade to divorce.” In a fascinating study, Gottman teamed up with two mathematicians to test this model. Starting in 1992, they recruited 700 couples who had just received their marriage licenses. For each couple, the researchers videotaped a 15-minute conversation between husband and wife and counted the number of positive and negative interactions. Then, based on the 5 to 1 ratio, they predicted whether each couple would stay together or divorce. Ten years later, Gottman and his colleagues followed up with each couple to determine the accuracy of their original predictions. The results were stunning. They had predicted divorce with 94% accuracy — based on scoring the couples’ interactions for 15 minutes.

Evidence corroborating the idea that this positivity ratio separates flourishing from languishing can be drawn from other research by John Gottman1. He and his colleagues observed 73 couples discussing an area of conflict in their relationship.

Researchers measured positivity and negativity using two coding schemes: one focused on positive and negative speech acts and another focused on observable positive and negative emotions. Gottman reported that among marriages that last and that both partners find to be satisfying (N=3)—what might be called flourishing marriages—mean positivity ratios were 5.1 for speech acts and 4.7 for observed emotions.

By contrast, among marriages identified as being on cascades toward dissolution—languishing marriages at best—mean positivity ratios were 0.9 for speech acts and 0.7 for observed emotions (Gottman, 1994). Summarizing two decades of observational research on marriages, Gottman (1994) concluded that unless a couple is able to maintain a high ratio of positive to negative affect (5 to 1), it is highly likely that their marriage will end.

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Team Performance

Can we accurately predict how well teams perform by counting the positive to negative interactions of team members?

From behind one-way mirrors, researcher Maricial Losada and his team in 1999 observed 60 management teams crafting their annual strategic plans and rated every interpersonal interaction of team members. Communications were coded as “positive” if team members showed support, encouragement, or appreciation towards others, and they were coded as “negative” if team members showed disapproval, sarcasm, or cynicism. They were coded as “inquiry” if they asked questions aimed at exploring a position and as “advocacy” if they provided logic or arguments in favor of the team member’s viewpoint. They were coded as “self” if they referred to the team member speaking, and they were coded as “other” if they referenced a person or group who was neither present nor part of the company.

Thje researchers identified 15 flourishing teams, defined as showing uniformly high performance across three indicators: profitability, customer satisfaction, and evaluations by superiors, peers, and subordinates2. Other teams had mixed (n=26) or uniformly low performance (n=19). Their analysis suggested that the high performing or flourishing teams could be categorized as those have at least a 2.9 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions among team members.

Interestingly, signs of disintegration of team performance appeared with a positivity ratio of 11.6. So, for team productivity and performance there appears to be an upper limit to just how many times team members can be positive before it has a detrimental impact on the functioning of the team.

The Magic Positive-to-Negative Ratio for Mental Health

Research on the importance of the positive-to-negative ratio for mental health and well-being comes from Robert Schwartz and colleagues from the University of Pittsburg3. They tracked the outcomes of 66 men undergoing treatment for depression and measured positivity ratios before and after treatment. Before treatment, positivity ratios were very low at 0.5. Schwartz and colleagues reported that among patients who showed optimal remission, indexed by both self-report and clinical ratings, mean post-treatment positivity ratios were 4.3 to 1. Among those who showed typical remission by the same criteria, mean post-treatment positivity ratios were 2.3.

Recent research by Barbara Fedickson at the University of Michigan provides one more bit of evidence about the 3:1 positivity-to-negativity ratio with mental health4. She followed 188 participants for 28 days asking them to keep a daily report of positive and negative emotions they experienced. Results showed that the mean ratio of positive to negative affect was above 2.9 for individuals classified as flourishing and below that threshold for those not flourishing.

Positive Emotions and Physical Health

Three important studies also suggest that emphasizing positive emotions play a direct role on our physical health and well-being and even predict longevity:

Nuns whose autobiographies contained the most sentences expressing positive emotions lived an average of seven years longer than nuns whose stories contained the fewest5.

Psychological well-being is associated with reduced risk of CHD–Whitehall II Study; 4 year study; N = 7,9426.

Subjective well-being/happiness, but not negative emotions, significantly predicted a 10 year increase in longevity–Alameda County Study; 28 year study; N = 6,8567.

Taken together, these studies demonstrate the power of positive emotions and behaviors individuals, relationships and team functioning. They even suggest an upper and lower “tipping point” for all of us to consider.

So, if you really want to flourish, emphasize the positive at least three times more than the negative…..Be well…..




1.Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum [↩]

2.Losada, M., & Heaphy, E. (2004). The role of positivity and connectivity in the performance of business teams: A nonlinear dynamics model. American Behavioral Scientist, 47(6), 740–765 [↩]

3.Schwartz, R. M., Reynolds, C. F., III, Thase, M. E., Frank, E., Fasiczka, A. L., & Haaga, D. A. F. (2002). Optimal and normal affect balance in psychotherapy of major depression: Evaluation of the balanced states of mind model. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 30, 439–450 [↩]

4.Fredrickson, B. L. & Losada, M. (2005). Positive affect and the complex dynamics of human flourishing. American Psychologist, 60, 678-686 [↩]

5.Danner, D. et al. (2001). Positive emotions in early life and longevity: Findings from the nun study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82-804-813 [↩]

6.Boehm, J. et al. (2011). A prospective study of positive psychological well-being and coronary heart disease. Health Psychology, 30, 259-267 [↩]

7.Xu, J. et al. (2010). The power of positive emotions: It’s a matter of life or death—subjective well-being and longevity over 20 years in a general population. Health Psychology, 29, 9-19 [↩]



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That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work - NY Times

Note From Jim:


In recent years I have taken a keen interest in research from the field of "Positive Psychology", a segment of Psychology that has been championed by a former president of the American Psychological Association, Martin Seligman. Serious work in the disciple of Positive Psychology and the Psychology of Happiness has determined that we all have the power to make ourselves happier, more optimistic, more grateful, and more fulfilled. This applies to our relationships at home and at work. With regard to our personal relationships, the article below shares best practices recommended by top researchers and academics in this field.  Make a difference starting now!

****
Excerpts:
That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work
By JANE E. BRODY

Studies by Richard E. Lucas and colleagues at Michigan State University... Research reported by Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside.... Studies by Barbara L. Fredrickson, a social psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.


[Apply important] effort to keep the embers of love alive... Infatuation and passion have even shorter life spans, and must evolve into "companionate love, composed more of deep affection, connection and liking,"

Building Companionship

... strategies include making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection.


"the importance of appreciation" [and expressions of gratefulness]: count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage.

Also important is variety, which is innately stimulating and rewarding and "critical if we want to stave off adaptation," ... Mix things up, be spontaneous, change how you do things with your partner to keep your relationship "fresh, meaningful and positive."...Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac that can also enhance the pleasures of marital sex.   Variety goes hand in hand with another tip: surprise. With time, partners tend to get to know each other all too well, and they can fall into routines that become stultifying. Shake it up. Try new activities, new places, new friends. Learn new skills together.  
"A pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder - the science of touch suggests that it can save a so-so marriage," Dr. Lyubomirsky writes. "Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness."


Support your partner's values, goals and dreams, and greet his or her good news with interest and delight.

Positive Energy


Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown.


... cultivating positive energy everyday "motivates us to reach out for a hug more often or share and inspiring or silly idea or image."... happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but "very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one."

[Work towards] striving to increase the ratio of positive to negative [to 5:1].


[Work towards] asking yourself each morning, "What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner's life better?" The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness.
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The Happiness Connection

Note From Jim:


Discover how powerful you will become by making the conscious choice, despite circumstance, to be happy. It's a decision and commitment that only you can make. Read Lionel Ketchien's Happiness Column. I look forward to his weekly newsletter, "The Happiness Zone." It always inspires me. Does it do the same for you?

Excepts:

There is another way to live your life. Decide to be happy no matter what. Wake up in the morning and decide to be happy. You go through the day and experience people and events that would make most people unhappy, but not you! You're too smart for that. You know that only you are in charge of your happiness. You would not want anyone else to be in charge of your happiness.


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Embracing Uncertainty - Be Happy Zone - Lionel Ketchien

November 12th, 2012

[The Wisdom Of Dr.] Susan Jeffers


One truth that we can all agree on is the fact that we live in an uncertain world. It seems that this is true now more than ever before. Maybe we have always lived in an uncertain world and it is only now with the events we experience these days that seem to make that fact even more real to us.

In 2003 I finished reading a really great book called: Embracing Uncertainty by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. This book is about exploring, understanding, and coping with the anxiety most people feel about the uncertain nature of everyday life. Susan wrote another great book that you may recognize. It is called Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, It was also a truly wonderful and empowering book, and was the first of many books she has written.

I had the opportunity of doing an hour phone interview with Dr. Jeffers in April 2003. Susan lived with her husband in Los Angeles, California. Some of the things you should know about Susan is that she was great thinker and she has a wonderful way of putting her thoughts into a book for you to benefit from the wisdom acquired from her experiences. Dr. Jeffers really understands the basis of happiness, and explains, "Always remember that how we live our lives is a personal decision, not something that is put upon us from the outside world."

She discusses ways to create a "WONDERING LIFE" instead of a "HOPING LIFE." Instead of hoping things are different you can learn to create a wondering mind and wonder how things will turn out rather than worry about how they will turn out. This gives you the power of detaching from the outcome and reducing your stress and anxiousness, worry and fear. Dr. Jeffers recommends that people, "CHOOSE THE PATH OF TRUST." What does she mean by choosing the path of trust? This is what she says, "When you fully understand that you have little control in the external world, you then have two choices: you can choose to see yourself as a poor-me victim at the mercy of circumstances...or you can choose to develop the trust that, no matter what happens in your life or in the world, you will have the inner strength to create something good from it all. Hopefully you will choose the latter!"

I have found so much agreement with the things Dr. Jeffers talks about, such as this: "It makes us so much happier when we don't have the need to be right. Trust me when I tell you that you will feel so much freer with the power of MAYBE." Susan introduces us to this interesting concept, "the power of MAYBE." In her book Susan goes on to say, "You notice that I haven't mentioned peace of mind, joy, fun, creativity, or spontaneity. That is because these wonderful feelings go with a lack of expectations. The irony is that while we think our expectations are giving us a measure of control, our expectations are really controlling us!"

Can you imagine not letting worry get the best of you? You will if you understand what Dr. Jeffers says, "When you're feeling lousy about something happening in your life or in the world, it isn't about the something happening that is the problem, it's your inability to let go of the expectation of how it's supposed to be." She gives us the wisdom to understand that we can have more control by realizing we do not have control of the outside world and the many things that can happen that we wish did not happen.

Dr. Jeffers teaches us, "When attached to outcomes, by definition, we are attached to unhappiness. As hard as we try, as fast as we go, we can never feel the security of being in control of the outside world. When we break our attachment to our expectations of control, we become happier people. If you knew you could find happiness in whatever state you found yourself -- ill health or good health, rich or poor, in a great relationship or not, and so on -- then your worry about the uncertainty in your life would be greatly diminished."

Dr. Jeffers advises us to, "INCREASE YOUR INNER SENSE OF POWER. One way to help you develop trust in yourself is to cut off the negativity in the mind by saying to yourself over and over again, Whatever happens in my life, I'll handle it! While we can't control the world around us, we can certainly learn how to respond to all things -- yes, ALL THINGS - in a health-affirming way. We have the power to create a life that feels good, rather than one that feels bad -- despite the actual circumstances in our lives and in our world." Do you feel that life has treated you less than fairly? Well, as Dr. Jeffers says, "The prime cause of our suffering is our wanting things to be different than they are! Happiness is the best revenge!"

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The Secret to Health, Performance and Success: The Positivity to Negativity Ratio - Envisia - Kenneth Nowack

September 9, 2012

“If you have nothing to say, say nothing.”

Mark Twain

Here’s the answer: at least 3:1 to 5:1.

What’s the question?

Is there a universal ratio (P/N) of positive to negative communications, interactions and behaviors that predicts individual health, longevity, performance, relationship success and how team’s perform?

Across different disciplines, researchers continue to find an interesting relationship between “positive to negative” expressions of thoughts, attitudes and behavior that seem to predict things as diverse as how long we will live to how effectively teams function and product great results. This is sometimes referred to as the positivity to negativity ratio. Here are a few examples:

Longevity in Life

Handwritten autobiographies from 180 Catholic nuns, composed when participants were a mean age of 22 years, were scored for emotional content and related to survival during ages 75 to 951. The autobiography was to contain no more than two to three hundred words and should be written on a single sheet of paper. The nuns were asked to include place of birth, parentage, interesting childhood events, schools attended, influences that led to the convent, religious life, and outstanding events.

Their study revealed that the nuns whose autobiographies contained the most sentences expressing positive emotions lived an average of seven years longer than nuns whose stories contained the fewest. Further, lifespan increased by 9.5 years for nuns whose autobiographies contained the most words referring to positive emotions and by 10.5 years for nuns who used the greatest variety of positive-emotion words.

Positive Feedback

When we use 360-degree feedback assessments we always include at least 1-2 open-ended questions at the end of the questionnaire asking raters about perceived strengths to leverage and behaviors the leader can do more, less or differently to become even more effective. Smither and Walker (2004) analyzed the impact of upward feedback ratings as well as narrative comments over a one-year period for 176 managers2.

They found that those who received a small number of unfavorable behaviorally based comments improved more than other managers but those who received a large number (relative to positive comments) significantly declined in performance more than other managers. This is the only study I know of that has found that qualitative feedback in 360 interventions might actually be disengaging and demoralizing to participants if the ratio of positive to negative feedback is low.

Marriage/Relationship Longevity

John Gottman (1994) followed 700 couples for 10 years and found that when there was less than a 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions in a videotaped interaction of fifteen minutes it predicted subsequent divorce with 90% to 94% accuracy3.

He has observed couples for over 30 years, at his apartment-style laboratory, the “love lab” at the University of Washington. A Positive-to-Negative Ratio of 0.8 or less is a strong indicator of divorce with the most corrosive behaviors including:

• Criticism: Expressions indicating a defect in one’s partner’s personality (example: “You always talk about yourself”). Contempt: Expressions of superiority (example: “You just can’t get things right).”

• Defensiveness: Expressions of righteous indignation (example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late—you are the one holding us up”).

• Stonewalling: Emotional withdrawal from interaction (e.g., ignoring the other individual).

Criticism predicted early divorcing (an average of 5.6 years after the wedding) and emotional withdrawal and anger predict later divorcing (an average of 16.2 years after the wedding).

Psychological Well-Being/Life Satisfaction

Fredrickson (2005) examined students’ month-long diaries and the positive/negative ratio of emotions seemed to differentiate those who were languishing from those who were high in psychological well-being4. She found that students who expressed a ratio of 3 times as many positive emotions than negative emotions reported significantly higher levels of life satisfaction and happiness than the other students.

Team Effectiveness

Over the years we have run developmental assessment centers that always have at least one leaderless group exericse. We can easily observe the differences between groups that appear to function effectively from those who don’t based on the communications and interpersonal behavior of the group members–not how smart any individual is or the collective experience or technical expertise of the members.

Recent studies have established that teams with positive to negative interaction ratios greater than 3 to 1 are significantly more productive than teams that do not reach this ratio (Things can worsen if the ratio goes higher than 13 to 1). Marcial Losada brought 60 management teams into a simulated board room where they could hold actual meetings5. Behind mirrors, researchers observed and coded every statement made by each individual on three scales:

1. Positive statements (support, optimism, appreciation) versus negative statements (disapproval, sarcasm, cynicism).

2. Self-focused statements (refer to the person speaking, the group present, or the company) versus other-focused statements (references to a person or group not part of the company).

3. Inquiry (questions aimed at exploring an idea) versus advocacy (arguments in favor of their own point of view).

Losada also measured something he called connectivity or how attuned or responsive the team members were to each other. Finally he gathered data on three dependent variables: profitability, customer satisfaction, and evaluations by superiors, peers and subordinates. In the study, positive to negative ratio (P/N) was measured by counting the instances of positive feedback (e.g. “that is a good idea”) vs. negative feedback (e.g. “this is not what I expected; I am disappointed”).

Overall, high performance teams had a P/N ratio of 5.6, medium performance teams a P/N of 1.9 and low performance teams a P/N of 0.36 (more negative than positive).

Taken together, it seems that the secret to individual and team health and productivity might be as simple as accentuating the positive to negative ratio of emotions and behaviors and being aware of when our own self-talk and expressions seem tilted in the wrong direction.

I will have to ask my wife, who is registered dietitian, if this ratio also applies to healthy eating….Be well….

1. Danner, D., Snowdon, D., & Friesen, W. (2001). Positive emotions in early life and longevity: Findings from the nun study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 804-813 [↩]

2. Smither, J. & Walker, A.G. (2004). Are the characteristics of narrative comments related to improvement in multirater feedback ratings over time? Personnel Psychology, 89, 575-581 [↩]

3. Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum [↩]

4. Fredrickson, B. L. & Losada, M. (2005). Positive affect and the complex dynamics of human flourishing. American Psychologist, 60, 678-686 [↩]
5. Losada, M., & Heaphy, E. (2004). The role of positivity and connectivity in the performance of business teams: A nonlinear dynamics model. American Behavioral Scientist, 47, 740–765 [↩]

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Facing Boredom! - The Happiness Club - The Be Happiness Zone - Lionel Ketchian

By Lionel Ketchian
April 1,2012

With all the interesting things that are going on in my life, people ask me, are you excited? My answer is no, I'm not excited. Actually, I am at peace. Why do I experience peace when most people see the excitement? I have been working on not being afraid to face boredom. Our minds seem to feed on drama and excitement to make us feel that we are alive and kicking.

Facing our boredom may seem very dull, but the truth is that it is liberating. I do not even mind getting stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I do not try to find it but when it happens it is perfectly all right with me. I have been finding that in facing my boredom I do not experience any lack of interest. I seem to have overcome the need to run away from trying to face boredom.

An essential component of this is not reacting to things that happen for which we have no control. It is our resistance to the situations that occur in life that creates all our problems. It is right at the moment when things get bad that your thinking becomes your worst enemy. It is better to remain calm in the moment. It is in this moment that our thinking becomes our worst nightmare.

To be bored is to be so uninteresting a person that you cannot face yourself. The problem with this is that you do a lot of activity to avoid yourself. We need to be occupied so we are not alone with our thoughts driving us crazy. I am learning to disregard my thoughts and enjoy the awareness of not thinking about every last thought that enters my mind.

If you have not tried this before it is truly a path to freedom. I have improved my ability to focus my mind on things when I need to. I have always felt my memory was not very dependable. Now that I carry much less on my mind, I have more room for the important thoughts. Most importantly, I have much more control of my thinking. I am not letting my thinking control me as much as it did.

How is this possible? It is really very simple. I allow myself to experience being happy in the moment. I trust the moment to present me with what ever I need to experience. The most important thing about what I am telling you is that I have let go of the past. It is not in my present moment awareness. The past is dead and gone, unless we fan the flames.

This is true for the good things as well as the bad ones. We don't need to think about either one of them. The present moment is more than enough, unless you don't want to be happy for the rest of your life. In that case hold on to the past and ignore the present moment.

We are all searching for peace. We think peace is having everything work out the way we want it to be. That is not peace, it is control. The problem with that kind of control is that our mind is never happy with anything that we get. Our mind goes right to work finding out what else we need or is not right in our world.

It is time to start facing ourselves. If you don't give up your unhappiness, you will never be happy. Start giving unhappiness up right now. Now is the time to give happiness a chance. If you want to learn more about what I am talking about I suggest you read a book called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. It is a very simple and powerful book to help you find the stillness within you.

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Man's Search For Meaning - Happiness Newsletter - Lionel Ketchian

By Lionel Ketchian

Dr. Viktor E. Frankl wrote Man's Search For Meaning 53 years ago. I consider it to be among some of the most profound books ever written.

Many people know Dr. Frankl's famous quote which is as follows: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." This is not only a famous quote but is also a triumph of truth. What most people do not know is the rest of the quotation that follows along right after this one. Dr. Frankl goes on to write: "And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom."

One of the reasons I respect Dr. Frankl and his book is that he has personally experienced the very worst that mankind could bestow on their fellow man. Yet, he shows us triumph in our ability to choose the right thing to do in any time and place. He also knows the impact of the power of making a decision. I have said, "Happiness is a decision." Decisions are the most important factors in our existence. They affect our future and can even change our circumstances no matter what it is that we think we are facing.

You can see how important the decision making process is to the very survival of the individual. Dr. Frankl continues this intelligent logic by stating, "It becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him -- mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp."

The decision to be happy led me to the understanding that "to be happy," is needing, and wanting to be happy at some future time. That is when I figured out that it is all about 'being happy,' because being happy is something you are doing right now, not later. Being happy has made me free, because it has not only given me freedom but also has shown me what freedom looks, feels, and tastes like. Being happy is a freeing experience, like being let out of prison. Part of that experience comes from not wanting or needing everything to go my way all the time. That freedom has allowed me to experience peace. For what is peace but freedom from wanting? Don't get me wrong, I still want things, but I don't get upset because things don't go my way. Instead I have learned to prefer things rather than demand them. I have preferences instead of demands. I am much better off, because that makes me proactive in achieving what I want.

The way to empower yourself is to decide to be happy no matter what. Choose happiness over everything else. This gives you the power to deal with life and deal with yourself. Happiness is a powerful strategy for those who practice it. When you're happy it gives you the awareness to realize the choices you have and what option is right for you. What is the real power that you have in doing this? You have power over yourself, and this is very important my friend, because being happy is authentic power.

Dr. Frankl's book starts off explaining his experiences in the concentration camp. The profoundness of his book is that he is actually telling us about happiness and freedom within each of us. Even when Dr. Frankl speaks about suffering, he enlightens us to understand that when we find meaning in our suffering, we find our power again.

We give our happiness to others for many reasons. Then we think that they make us unhappy. The truth is that we have given others the power over ourselves. We must take our power back in order to be happy again. Happiness is an issue of power. Learn to use the power of happiness to deal with difficult people and circumstances in your life and you will prevail.

We search for happiness as a fruit to be picked. Happiness is a seed that must be planted.

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Talent, Passion, and the Creativity Maze - HBR

HBR Blog Network.


Teresa Amabile and Steve Kramer


12:25 PM Monday February 27, 2012

by Teresa Amabile and Steve Kramer
Comments (7)

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We live in a world mad for talent. From Hollywood and sports to executive search firms and HR departments around the globe, everyone seeks that special mix of natural abilities and attitudes that will make performance pop. A few months ago, Douglas Conant wrote a terrific blog post on how to find talented candidates for a job. When evaluating a potential hire, Conant looks for a strong mix of three qualities — competence, character, and skill as a team player. He gives great advice on how to find such a person. But he's missing a crucial ingredient.

That ingredient, at least as important as the talent package described by Conant, is passion for the work — what psychologists call intrinsic motivation. Without it, no amount of talent will yield great performance. For 35 years, we have been exploring how motivation affects creativity. In studies involving groups as diverse as children, college students, professional artists, and knowledge workers, we have found that people are more creative when they are more strongly intrinsically motivated — driven by interest, enjoyment, satisfaction, and a sense of personal challenge in the work they are doing.

Arthur Schawlow, a Nobel laureate in physics, said it eloquently: "The labor of love aspect is important. The successful scientists often are not the most talented, but the ones who are just impelled by curiosity. They've got to know what the answer is."

Intrinsically motivated people are more creative because they engage more deeply with the work. Imagine a task you have to do — say, an important marketing problem you have to solve at work — as a maze you need to get through. Most business problems have multiple solutions that would work, multiple exits from that maze. Often, there is one clear, straight path out of the maze — the standard solution that everyone uses for this type of problem. If you're extrinsically motivated, perhaps by a looming deadline or fear of a negative evaluation, you're likely to take that safe path. The solution works, but it's boring; it doesn't move things forward. But if you're intrinsically motivated, you love the hunt through the maze for a more interesting — and likely more creative — solution.

As a manager, you can leverage the link between passion and creativity by following three guidelines:

First, hire for passion as much as for talent. If you don't look for passion in the people you hire, you could end up with employees who never engage deeply enough to dazzle you with their creative productivity. As Conant advises, get to know potential hires for important positions as thoroughly as possible, long before you might have an opening for them. When you talk to them, ask why they do what they do, what disappointments they've had, what their dream job would be. Look for fire in their eyes as they talk about the work itself, and listen for a deep desire to do something that hasn't been done before. When you talk to their references, watch for mentions of passion.

Second, nourish that passion. Unfortunately, standard management approaches often (unwittingly) end up dousing passion and killing creativity. But keeping it alive isn't rocket science. We have found that the single most important thing you can do to fuel intrinsic motivation is to support people's progress in the work that they are so passionate about. This is the progress principle, and it applies even to the seemingly minor small wins that can lead to great breakthroughs. You can use the progress principle by understanding what progress and setbacks your people are experiencing day by day, getting at the root causes, and doing whatever you can to remove the inhibitors and enhance the catalysts to progress.

For example, be vigilant about whether your creative professionals have sufficient resources to make progress without a constant struggle. Give them autonomy in how to achieve a project's goals, because there's no point in hiring people with great talent if you don't let them use it. And support them in learning from both successes and failures, because talent is not a fixed quantity; it can and should grow over time. Give talented people every opportunity to develop, keeping in mind the "10,000 hour rule" cited by Malcolm Gladwell: You can't become expert enough to create an innovative breakthrough in a field unless you have put in at least 10,000 hours of practice. That kind of persistence is fueled by passion.

Finally, look to yourself. If you don't have passion for your own work, you'll end up disappointing both yourself and those who count on you. And you're unlikely to develop your own best talents. One of us, Steve, is an avid photographer of landscapes. An important mentor, the photographer Craig Tanner, has taught both of us a great deal about the connection between passion and the development of talent. In a brilliant essay on "The Myth of Talent," Craig says: "Long-term, focused, practice powered by the energy of passion [...] leads to amazing transformations. The bumbling beginner becomes the exalted expert. The trapped and depressed become the liberated and empowered."

Ask yourself: Am I liberated and empowered by passion in my work? Are the people around me?


Teresa Amabile is Edsel Bryant Ford Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School. She researches what makes people creative, productive, happy, and motivated at work. Steven Kramer is a psychologist and independent researcher. They are coauthors of The Progress Principle (Harvard Business Review Press, 2011); visit its website.


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Overcoming the Blues! - The Happy Zone - The Happiness Club

By Lionel Ketchian 02/01/2012

2000 years ago, Epictetus said: "There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." If you are unhappy now, then in the next moment you will be no happier than you have been now. The good news is that this can work the other way for you. If you decide to be happy now, your next moment will be no less than what is has been.

Your happiness or unhappiness is your intention to decide how things will continue to be. If you decide to be happy than you have set that intention ahead of you to act as your trailblazer for the path you shall travel. Life is hard enough the way it is without being your own worst enemy!

In March of 2001, Researchers at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston reached their conclusions about the protective effect of happiness after analyzing data on 2,478 men and women. They were all 65 years of age or older. These people were all given a questionnaire that consisted of twenty questions or statements that required a yes or no response. Sixteen of these were negative pronouncements such as "I felt that I could not shake off the blues, even with the help of my family and friends," "I thought that my life had been a failure" and "I felt fearful." The other four statements were positive, such as "I felt that I was just as good as other people," and "I felt hopeful about the future."

None of the participants had ever had a stroke at the time the questionnaire was completed. The researchers then followed the participants over a six-year period to see how their health had changed. During that time, out of the 2,478 people who took the study, 340 had strokes, and 75 of these people died. The researchers then tried to connect those occurrences to the participants' original answers to the questionnaire.

For each "yes" answer to a positive statement there was a 26% decrease in the risk of stroke. Let's take a close look at this study. There were 20 questions or statements, 16 negative ones that dealt with unhappiness, and 4 positive ones that were about being happy and optimistic. If you answered yes to all 4 positive statements there was a 100% chance of not having a stroke. Strokes are the third most common cause of death and they are the leading cause of long-term disability among the elderly.

This study was published on Friday, March 23, 2001, in the Journal of the American Psychosomatic Society. Researchers said that this study shows that "high levels of positive effect" seem to shield older people from having a stroke. Elderly folks who often feel blue tend to have more strokes than those who are not depressed, according to the study.

You have a choice right now to look at things differently. Now you know that having an unhappy outlook may result in hurting you. Is unhappiness worth the price you may have to pay? No, the price is much too high. Take control of your happiness, it is the one thing you have control over. Do you really think you can control all the people and circumstances in your life? No, you will wear yourself out first. Take control of yourself, that is where your power lies.

In this case I am very happy that this study has been done so that you can see the positive effect of "Being Happy," on your health, the quality of your life, and length of your life. If you are the type of person that needs proof, then here you have it - "Proof Positive," it is here for you to see!

Twenty-three years ago I wrote a book called Food for Thought. Dr. Bernie Siegel endorsed it as well as Rev. Norman Vincent Peale, and Ken Blanchard, Ph.D. Dr. Bernie Siegel, who wrote, Love, Medicine and Miracles, has changed the way people think about being responsible for their health and attitude.

In 2004, Dr. Bernie S. Siegel and I had video tapped a two hour interview in his home in Connecticut. It was an important opportunity to learn more life lessons from one of the most compassionate doctors that has ever lived. We talked about his new book, called 365 Prescriptions for the Soul, (Daily Messages of Inspiration, Hope, and Love.) We also talked about attitudes, pain, suffering, health, healing, and happiness. Bernie shared his personal thoughts in this video interview. The interview was aired on PBS, where Bernie and I appeared live in person during the evening and the show is also aired on The Happiness Show on cable TV stations.

It is time to we taught happiness in school for every child in the system. Happiness, or emotional intelligence, as it is also know by, is just as important as learning facts. Do we need to remain stressed out all our lives and find out that the price we are paying is much too high? The need to become happy is one that we must learn to embrace. If it is not enough to know that it affects your health, now you know it is nothing less than a life and death matter. Your thinking, your state of mind, and the way you feel all have a direct effect on your health.

Walk around with happiness, get the feel of it in your stride, and in your heart, and your head. You will experience the very best that life has to offer you. Of course you will encounter negative things along the way, just like anyone else. But you will be taking the high road in life and you will be doing the best you can with what you have. You will feel happiness within yourself and you will spread it naturally and effortlessly to everyone you meet, even the unhappy.

By taking happiness for yourself you will be able to give it to others. How can you give what you do not have? Another important aspect about living a happy life is the fact that you will be spreading happiness in the world. This world needs happiness more than anything. What a wonderful gift your happiness will make. You will make all the difference in the world, and you do it by "Being Happy."

Meet some new friends and get yourself in a happy mood attend a Happiness Club Meeting or start your own club now. Admission is free. Be Happy! Live Longer!


About Lionel Ketchian   Lionel is the past President of LRK Communications Inc in Fairfield, CT since 1979. He is the author of the book, Food for Thought, published in 1989. He was co-host of: "Successful Living," a live, call-in Radio Talk Show from 1986-1993. Lionel taught classes on Happiness, at Sacred Heart University from 1999-2002. Lionel is the founder of the Happiness Clubs, which holds free monthly meetings at over 80 clubs around the world. He started the web site www.HappinessClub.com in 1999 and offers free happiness newsletters by e-mail. Lionel wrote the column called the Be Happy Zone, published by the Fairfield Citizen-News, from 2000 - 2011. He is the co-host of "The Happiness Show," broadcast on TV by Cablevision of Connecticut. Lionel has been married since 1968 and is the father of three wonderful kids and the grandfather to three terrific grand kids.



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Social Support of Bosses and Health

Kenneth Nowack, Ph.D.

Being a leader can be a lonely place. The higher you go in an organization the least likely you are to have colleagues and reports provide you with honest and candid feedback about your behavior. How many of us of heard the refrain, “another great meeting Lou” only to wander out the door muttering to ourselves just how much a waste a time the meeting actually was.

Leaders also seem to be high in self-delusion (no research has looked at how many leaders still have “imaginary friends”). In a recent study reported in Harvard Business Review, CEOs seem to have unrealistically optimistic perceptions about several aspects of their top team’s performance. In this study, CEOs reported providing significantly higher effective direction for their team or believed that team members are less interested in promoting themselves than caring more about team interests than their direct reports (Rosen, R. & Adair, F. (2007). CEOs Misperceive Top Team’s Performance. Harvard Business Review, September 2007).

What exactly do relationships at work do for talent? Do close relationships with one’s boss and colleagues have any impact on engagement and productivity? Current research suggest strong relationships with one’s boss and direct reports are associated with:

A.Less inflammation measured as C-Reactive Protein (Suarez, E. (2004). C Reactive Protein Is Associated With Psychological Risk Factors of Cardiovascular Disease in Apparently Healthy Adults. Psychosomatic Medicine 66:684-690).

B. Enhanced immunity (Schwartz, G.E., Schwartz, J.I., Nowack, K.M., & Eichling, P.S. (1992). Changes in perceived stress and social support over time are related to changes in immune function. University of Arizona and Canyon Ranch. Unpublished manuscript).

C. Less burnout in professional working women–lower depersonalization and higher personal accomplishment (Nowack, K. and Pentkowski, A. (1994). Lifestyle habits, substance use, and predictors of job burnout in professional working women. Work and Stress, 8, 19-35).

D. Increased depression (Stroetzer, U. et al. (2006). Problematic interpersonal relationships at work and depression: A Swedish prospective cohort study. Journal of Occupational Health, 51, 144-151).

E. Enhanced job satisfaction (Simon, L., Judge, T., & Halvorsen-Ganepola, M. (2010). In good company? A multi-level investigation of the effects of coworker relationships on well-being. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 76, 534-546).

F. Greater longevity and less illness during our life based on meta-analytics reviews of over 148 studies (Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010) Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316. doi:10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316).

In fact a recent survey of over 15,670 employees in diverse industries by Career Systems International, the third most important retention driver was having strong relationships and working with great people (42%). Only having stimulating/exciting work (48%) and having an opportunity to grow and develop (42.9%) were rated higher.

Despite the challenges and problems in both conceptualizing social support, social integration and networking by researchers and practitioners, having people in our lives to use for emotional, functional and intellectual support appears to be a protective factor in health and one that simultaneously contributes to increase productivity.

We took a look at some social support research results from our stress and health risk assessment called StressScan by analyzing availability, utility and satisfaction of social support by gender. We tested gender differences by using a statistical test called analysis of variance (ANOVA) and found some interesting differences in gender with a sample of almost 800 professional working men and women.

A. In general, women reported greater availability and use of their social support network (supervisor/boss, colleagues/co-workers, partner, family and friends) then their male counterparts (all p’s < .01).

B. Women reported using their boss or supervisor significantly more frequently then men which was surprising as research suggests that more successful women indicate that mentoring was less important to their career advancement than did less successful women.

C. Women reported significantly more availability, use and satisfaction with their friends compared to males. They also reported greater availability and use of their partners, families and friends (all p’s < .01) which is consistent to what Shelly Taylor, Ph.D. has suggested as part of the female “tend and befriend” response to coping with work and life stress (Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Behavioral Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight” Psychological Review, 107(3):41-429).

In our statistical analysis of social support for professional men and women we were able to determine the relative amount of dissatisfaction with specific sources of social support. Men and women (N= 785) rated they were either “Not at All” or only “Slightly” satisfied with the following sources to meet their emotional and instrumental support needs:

•Boss/Supervisor 31.0%

•Colleagues/Co-Workers 16.8%

•Family 13.0%

•Partners/Significant Others 9.9%

•Friends 8.3%

Having a strong social support network and being satisfied appears to be associated with the level of stress and well-being. Men and women in our sample who reported greater overall social support also reported significantly stronger correlations with:

•Lower Stress ( r= .35, p < .01)

•Greater Resilience/Hardiness (r= .47, p < .01)

•Greater Happiness (r= .58, p < .01)

Maybe the Youngbloods were right after all….”C’mon people now, Smile on your brother, Ev’rybody get together, Try and love one another right now, Right now…” Right now! Be well……


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Commitment to Happiness - John S. Tamerin, M.D.

Happiness Club

January 1, 2012




John S. Tamerin, M.D.
Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry
Weill Cornell School of Medicine
Board of Scholars, Vail Leadership Institute


When we think deeply about the concept of commitment, we are soon aware that commitment requires perseverance, tenacity and conviction. When we then make a commitment, we discover that commitment is not easy, that setbacks are inevitable, and that accountability is essential. Commitment is heavy. Commitment is not discovered in our words-it is observed in our actions.

Having said that, what does it mean to make a commitment to happiness? Isn't that ridiculous? It seems rather like a devoted skier saying "I will make a commitment to ski fresh powder."

But stop for a moment....

The commitment to happiness is not an issue when we are faced with the "fresh powder" in our lives. The challenge for all of us is honoring the commitment to remain happy when we have broken a leg or the lifts are closed. The commitment to happiness starts to have meaning when things do not go well for us.

When we are faced with bad news, unpleasant surprises, ill-health, job loss, broken relationships or simply a broken promise, can we still maintain that commitment to happiness? How about when we are fired, receive an unexpected audit from the IRS or your spouse leaves you for someone else? Are you getting the point? Now this gets challenging. Now your "commitment" to happiness is being tested.

How do you commit to happiness under these circumstances? How do you stay centered, calm and focused - all of which are central ingredients of happiness? How do you avoid worrying, obsessing, and getting angry, all of which can ultimately lead to clinical depression? As a psychiatrist I have a few ideas. I hope that you or perhaps someone you love will find what I have to say helpful for the Holidays and in the New Year.

Happiness is not something that you can suddenly put on like a smiley face when bad things happen. It is something which must become part of you so that when challenges in your life occur, you are prepared. It all starts with making a commitment.

I hope that I am not being disrespectful to the Old Testament when I organize my suggestions as the "Ten Commitments."


1. Commit to "welcoming" criticism.

Instinctively, few of us welcome criticism. Most of us hate it and prefer to be complimented and praised. Yet the ancient sages describe this as one of the most admirable traits of character because if we have the courage to welcome criticism, it offers us an opportunity for unlimited growth throughout our lives.

Criticism does not always mean the other person doesn't care. Sometimes it demonstrates how much they do care and how much they want us to succeed. The same can be said of God. When we see difficult situations not as unfair or unfortunate, but as learning opportunities which our loving "father" has placed before us for our benefit, it will help us to accept and face these situations rather than avoid them.


2. Commit to focusing on the solution, not on the problem.

Unhappy people focus on their problems. Happy people focus on finding solutions. If you are already focusing on finding a solution when you have a problem, you are moving in the right direction. When you focus on problem solving, you are less likely to worry, obsess, blame yourself, blame others or get caught in the emotionality or "drama" of the situation. Instead of being agitated or irritated, you will be more inclined to stay calm and cool, strategic and creative.

Stay rational instead of worrying. Solutions to your problems will come as you calmly use your mind. The best weapon to protect your happiness and to fight against fear is calm, rational, strategic thinking.


3. Commit to recognizing the value of "no."

When people are asked what is the most important word in human relationships, they generally say "love." Most psychologists would disagree. The most important word is "no." "No" is the word that helps us to define our identity and delineate relationships. We tend to equate happiness with "yes". The truth is there can be little or no happiness without the word "no." "No" is the basis of responsibility, restraint and reliability. Without the word "no", we are unpredictable and so are all of our relationships. In order to be happy, we must be able to say "no" first to ourselves and then to others.

4. Commit to honoring your whimsy and your sense of humor.

Being happy is serious, not frivolous. Happiness is the greatest gift that you can give yourself. However, all work and no play does not lead to happiness. The ability to laugh at oneself in difficult or challenging situations provides unique perspective and objectivity. True happiness also involves a willingness to play and to forget your fears of being judged. Happiness depends on your inner sense of joy, which has a lot to do with your whimsy and your humor. Your happiness cannot depend on the opinions of others. If you do that, you are giving someone else control of your greatest possession-happiness. Would you give a stranger unlimited access to your credit card?

5. Commit to what you believe in.

To discover what you believe in, you first need to determine what your core values are. You need to recognize those values and ideals that have the greatest meaning for you. Then you need to commit to taking a stand and being willing to make sacrifices for the values and ideals you believe in. Commitment is living your convictions.

If you know what you believe in, you are on solid ground. When you are on solid ground you are stable. If you don't know what you believe in, you are unstable and can expect to experience a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is the opposite of happiness. It is almost impossible to be anxious and happy at the same time. Knowing what you believe in and having the courage to act on your beliefs will give your life meaning, purpose and solidity.


6. Commit to believing that you DESERVE to be happy.

Many people do not believe that they "deserve" to be happy. They feel that making a commitment to be happy is selfish and shallow, hardly something to be the central focus of a meaningful life. I disagree.

In fact, I believe that everything in life is better when we are happy. We think more clearly, we act with greater balance. We are slower to anger, quicker to forgive and we care more for ourselves and for others. In effect, when we are happy we are able to see not only with our eyes but with our brains and with our hearts.

The issue of guilt is central to our ability to commit to our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness. Certainly, our happiness should not be at the expense of others. On the other hand, unhappy people often put the needs and even the demands of others above their own happiness. This is generally a poor choice which results in much unnecessary unhappiness and suffering. Pain may be inevitable but suffering, believe it or not, is our choice

7. Commit to not wasting time.

Time is our most precious commodity. Sadly, unhappy people waste or squander a great deal of time. Happy people are well organized, plan ahead and are usually well prepared, even for emergencies. They are punctual. Conversely, unhappy people may say that they value time, but they act as if they don't.
They are often late in paying bills and end up facing interest and penalties. They frequently wonder where time went. They tend to spend more time in bed but sleep less well than happy people. Unhappy people often carry around a lot of worry and guilt on a regular basis.

This negatively impacts not only their days, but also their nights. It has been said that the best pillow is a clear conscience. A clear conscience is an indication that we are comfortable in our own skin. Unhappy people rarely feel this way about themselves. Perhaps this is why the problem is circular. People who feel good about themselves tend to value their time and consider it precious. This adds to their happiness. Conversely, people who are unhappy tend to not value themselves or their time and as a result compound their unhappiness by wasting time and then feeling badly about it.

8. Commit to dialogue not debate.

Happy people tend to have dialogues rather than debates when they talk with others in their lives, whether at home or at work. They commit to listening more and talking less. Often, people need to feel heard before they are willing to listen to you. It has been said that the greatest gift we can give another person is our rapt attention.

Dialogue is not trying to "fix" the other person. That is not your responsibility and will be perceived as annoying, insulting or intrusive. This invariably breeds resentment, not happiness.

When happy people speak, they try to be thoughtful and not merely reactive. They ask themselves what they wish to accomplish before they open their mouths.

9. Commit to being in control of your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Happy people do not spend a great deal of time feeling anxious, irritable or bitter. They do not blame themselves and/or others when bad things happen. They do not feel sorry for themselves and they do not spend a lot of time ruminating over things which they cannot control. Happy people focus instead on what they can control, which is their attitude about what happens in their lives.

Most unhappy people believe that preventing these painful thoughts and feelings from entering their heads is impossible. They are wrong. Happy people know that they have considerable control in this area. They know that misery is passive whereas happiness is active. Happiness requires energy, flexibility, imagination and creativity. Like any skill, happiness must be learned and practiced. Happy people know that happiness is the greatest gift anyone could give themselves.

10. Commit to Integrity.

Happy people know that a central aspect of their happiness is being honest with themselves and with others. Unhappy people often do not make this firm commitment to integrity. They often do not tell the truth to themselves or to others. As a result, they frequently live in shame, not wanting others to know who they really are.

Integrity means not rationalizing, not lying, not walking away. Integrity means keeping your oath. An oath is sacred. People who live this way tend to be happy. People who do not live this way tend to be unhappy and/or make others in their lives unhappy. The New Testament has said "you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Honesty is where the physical and the metaphysical meet. This is a core ingredient of happiness.

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Boosting Your Career and Personal Resilience - The Glass Hammer

December 14th, 2011

1:00 pm

Contributed by Kate Buller, Executive Coach, The Executive Coaching Consultancy (London)



Resilience, or the ability to flex and bounce back from setbacks, is a central characteristic of business leadership and living full and challenging lives. So what are some of the key psychological and physiological processes behind understanding and improving resilience?

Resilience in the face of significant challenge is an adaptive capacity. It is a process rather than a trait. As human beings we’ve evolved to heal ourselves. It’s not only about self-confidence, as outward confidence can be disguising inner worries and anxieties. It’s more about optimism, emotional intelligence, adaptability, and keeping one’s head when under pressure.

The pace of change in organisations continues to accelerate. Coupled with this, studies such as one published in June by ForbesWoman and TheBump.com have found that 92% of working mothers felt overwhelmed by work, home and parenting responsibilities. Only about 15% of working parents now have a stay-at-home partner.

The rise of the dual career couple is here to stay, adding to the pressure on work, family life and relationships. We all feel squeezed. In the UK, for example, at any time around 20% of the British workforce reports being affected by stress, with 77% of these also reporting problems with relationships at home caused by stress at work.

Biological Responses to Stress

We respond to stress biologically, in the same way we protect ourselves from physical threat, by a fight/flight reaction. This literally switches our blood supply in the brain away from our frontal cortex (which helps us analyse situations and make decisions) and channels it towards the amygdala, the most primitive part of our brain. This causes release of the highly corrosive cortisol, preparing us for fight or flight – neither of which is appropriate in most work situations. So we lose the very thing that we need for resilience and adaptive capacity, our ability to think and react appropriately.

We are born with two innate fears, falling and loud noises. Other fears, such as of failing, are learned and can therefore be unlearned. Martin Seligman (author of ‘Authentic Happiness’ and founding professor of the positive psychology movement) has helped US Army soldiers build their resilience through training. This has not only reduced the incidence of PTSD it has also shortened the recovery time for those who do suffer from it; with some regaining higher mental well-being scores than pre-action levels.

How we react under pressure is an important thing to learn early on in our careers. The more resilient we are, the more in control we’ll be in the face of challenges. Setbacks can make us leap to conclusions, lose perspective and quickly engage unhelpful feelings.

Albert Ellis’ ABCD model helps us interrupt the amygdala hijack and keep our frontal cortex engaged. We have an event (A) which starts to trigger familiar feelings (C) of dread, failure, anger. The feelings are caused by the thoughts (B) we have about the event. We need to look at the thoughts that are making us feel this way. Things like “I always say the wrong thing” or “I can’t manage under pressure, I always make mistakes”. Then we can ask if these thoughts have any foundation. Then we decide what action to take (D).

Building Resilience

These are some of the characteristics of resilient people, based on research from the University of Pennsylvania:

•High level of self and political awareness.

•Comfortable with uncertainty, see things in perspective and avoid jumping in.

•Optimistic, but with feet on the ground.

•‘Can do’ approach, improvise, use resources available, see problems from many angles, solution focused.

•Empathic, well connected, know how to ask for help, build strong relationships.

•Confident in own abilities – expertise well known and sought out.

•Seek out new and challenging experiences, see failure as natural part of life and actively learn from it.

As executive coaches we often talk to our coachees about the importance of holding all aspects of our lives in healthy alignment. Resilience is a delicate, personal equilibrium that needs regular attention, which consists of personal fitness, job fitness, and career fitness.

Personal fitness is about getting enough sleep, our diet/exercise regime, how we take care of our family and friends, nurturing ourselves and our relationships. Women in general, and working mothers in particular, take a lot of responsibility for the caring for others, sometimes at personal cost. We’re not great at asking for help and guilt can cause us to run ourselves ragged trying to achieve the ‘perfect family life’.

Job Fitness is the area that often we give most attention to. Often our coachees have been highly successful by focusing on this area, achieving demanding deadlines and setting high standards. Then suddenly notice all the best work/credit goes to colleagues who aren’t perhaps as good, but who’ve managed their profile strategically.

Career fitness can get overlooked in busy lives but this helps us should something happen to our job or organisation. It means we have a game plan, strong networks and high levels of self awareness. We take appropriate risks to stretch ourselves. We manage our personal reputations and know how marketable we are. All this gives us confidence to exploit our current roles for opportunities to play to our strengths and broaden our experience.

The more that each of these aspects of our lives are strong and in balance, the more we can remain pragmatic and optimistic, with our key ally the frontal cortex in charge.

Access Source And Its Great Content: http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2011/12/14/boosting-your-career-and-personal-resilience/

A Serving of Gratitude Brings Healthy Dividends - NYTimes.com

November 21, 2011

By JOHN TIERNEY

The most psychologically correct holiday of the year is upon us.

Thanksgiving may be the holiday from hell for nutritionists, and it produces plenty of war stories for psychiatrists dealing with drunken family meltdowns. But it has recently become the favorite feast of psychologists studying the consequences of giving thanks. Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others, including romantic partners. A new study shows that feeling grateful makes people less likely to turn aggressive when provoked, which helps explain why so many brothers-in-law survive Thanksgiving without serious injury.

But what if you’re not the grateful sort? I sought guidance from the psychologists who have made gratitude a hot research topic. Here’s their advice for getting into the holiday spirit — or at least getting through dinner Thursday:

Start with “gratitude lite.” That’s the term used by Robert A. Emmons, of the University of California, Davis, for the technique used in his pioneering experiments he conducted along with Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami. They instructed people to keep a journal listing five things for which they felt grateful, like a friend’s generosity, something they’d learned, a sunset they’d enjoyed.

The gratitude journal was brief — just one sentence for each of the five things — and done only once a week, but after two months there were significant effects. Compared with a control group, the people keeping the gratitude journal were more optimistic and felt happier. They reported fewer physical problems and spent more time working out.

Further benefits were observed in a study of polio survivors and other people with neuromuscular problems. The ones who kept a gratitude journal reported feeling happier and more optimistic than those in a control group, and these reports were corroborated by observations from their spouses. These grateful people also fell asleep more quickly at night, slept longer and woke up feeling more refreshed.


“If you want to sleep more soundly, count blessings, not sheep,” Dr. Emmons advises in “Thanks!” his book on gratitude research.

Don’t confuse gratitude with indebtedness. Sure, you may feel obliged to return a favor, but that’s not gratitude, at least not the way psychologists define it. Indebtedness is more of a negative feeling and doesn’t yield the same benefits as gratitude, which inclines you to be nice to anyone, not just a benefactor.

In an experiment at Northeastern University, Monica Bartlett and David DeSteno sabotaged each participant’s computer and arranged for another student to fix it. Afterward, the students who had been helped were likelier to volunteer to help someone else — a complete stranger — with an unrelated task. Gratitude promoted good karma. And if it works with strangers ....

Try it on your family. No matter how dysfunctional your family, gratitude can still work, says Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside.

“Do one small and unobtrusive thoughtful or generous thing for each member of your family on Thanksgiving,” she advises. “Say thank you for every thoughtful or kind gesture. Express your admiration for someone’s skills or talents — wielding that kitchen knife so masterfully, for example. And truly listen, even when your grandfather is boring you again with the same World War II story.”

Don’t counterattack. If you’re bracing for insults on Thursday, consider a recent experiment at the University of Kentucky. After turning in a piece of writing, some students received praise for it while others got a scathing evaluation: “This is one of the worst essays I’ve ever read!”

Then each student played a computer game against the person who’d done the evaluation. The winner of the game could administer a blast of white noise to the loser. Not surprisingly, the insulted essayists retaliated against their critics by subjecting them to especially loud blasts — much louder than the noise administered by the students who’d gotten positive evaluations.

But there was an exception to this trend among a subgroup of the students: the ones who had been instructed to write essays about things for which they were grateful. After that exercise in counting their blessings, they weren’t bothered by the nasty criticism — or at least they didn’t feel compelled to amp up the noise against their critics.

“Gratitude is more than just feeling good,” says Nathan DeWall, who led the study at Kentucky. “It helps people become less aggressive by enhancing their empathy. “It’s an equal-opportunity emotion. Anyone can experience it and benefit from it, even the most crotchety uncle at the Thanksgiving dinner table.”


Share the feeling. Why does gratitude do so much good? “More than other emotion, gratitude is the emotion of friendship,” Dr. McCullough says. “It is part of a psychological system that causes people to raise their estimates of how much value they hold in the eyes of another person. Gratitude is what happens when someone does something that causes you to realize that you matter more to that person than you thought you did.”

Try a gratitude visit. This exercise, recommended by Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, begins with writing a 300-word letter to someone who changed your life for the better. Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Deliver it in person, preferably without telling the person in advance what the visit is about. When you get there, read the whole thing slowly to your benefactor. “You will be happier and less depressed one month from now,” Dr. Seligman guarantees in his book “Flourish.”

Contemplate a higher power. Religious individuals don’t necessarily act with more gratitude in a specific situation, but thinking about religion can cause people to feel and act more gratefully, as demonstrated in experiments by Jo-Ann Tsang and colleagues at Baylor University. Other research shows that praying can increase gratitude.

Go for deep gratitude. Once you’ve learned to count your blessings, Dr. Emmons says, you can think bigger.

“As a culture, we have lost a deep sense of gratefulness about the freedoms we enjoy, a lack of gratitude toward those who lost their lives in the fight for freedom, a lack of gratitude for all the material advantages we have,” he says. “The focus of Thanksgiving should be a reflection of how our lives have been made so much more comfortable by the sacrifices of those who have come before us.”

And if that seems too daunting, you can least tell yourself —

Hey, it could always be worse. When your relatives force you to look at photos on their phones, be thankful they no longer have access to a slide projector. When your aunt expounds on politics, rejoice inwardly that she does not hold elected office. Instead of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate, be grateful the six-hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria.

Is that too much of a stretch? When all else fails, remember the Monty Python mantra of the Black Plague victim: “I’m not dead.” It’s all a matter of perspective.

Access Source And Its Great Content: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/22/science/a-serving-of-gratitude-brings-healthy-dividends.html

Why Choose Happiness? | October 15, 2011 Happiness Newsletter

By Lionel Ketchian

You're unhappy because you have a problem. Now, you have cut yourself off from the choices you have available. The problem becomes bigger than life, as it consumes and overwhelms you. You feel there is nothing you can do about it because your state of unhappiness directs you to see life in only that one negative way. Once you think unhappily, and think in terms of the problem and not the solution, you disempower yourself from dealing with the problem.

In a happy state you can deal with any problem because you can see with clarity what choices you have. This clarity enables you to deal with your problem. You can only make the best choice available to you. First, you need to know what your choices are. Happiness allows you to see these choices very clearly. Unhappiness does not allow you to see your choices.

Take a look at your problem. Do you have a choice about your problem? If you have no choice then you have something you do not like. It's not that you really have a problem. Problems have solutions. What choice or choices do you have regarding the problem? If you do not have a choice, why make it a problem? If you don't accept the problem you are going to be unhappy. If the problem is just a part of life and you don't accept it, than you will suffer as a result of your reaction to you're own negative thinking. This is also your choice, but you have another choice ... to live and enjoy your life, just be happy!

The way to empower yourself is to decide to be happy no matter what. Choose happiness over everything else. This gives you the power to deal with life and deal with yourself. Happiness is a powerful strategy for those who practice it. When you're happy it gives you the awareness to realize the choices you have and what option is right for you. What is the real power that you have in doing this? You have power over yourself, and this is very important my friend, because being happy is authentic power.

We all know that money can't buy happiness, because happiness is a decision. Happiness is a decision that only you can make. The happiness decision is just a one step method, not three steps, or twelve steps. Who can remember so many? But everybody can remember just one step. All you have to do is remember to choose happiness in every moment in your life over anything that can take your happiness away! Now that you have made the happiness decision you realize that happiness is where you're headed. Choose happiness instead of allowing anything to upset you. Once you have made the happiness decision, it becomes easier and easier to be happy from one moment to the next.

Have you noticed how hard it is for you to control anyone or anything? Well, you can control yourself by lightening up, relaxing, and laughing about things, having fun, and enjoying life. Being happy allows you to learn that you can control yourself, and not let anyone or anything else control you. Learn to let go of the things you can't change. This way you do not let them change you. Live with happiness and allow the experience of being happy to work for you.

Do you know the reason why people do not live with happiness? Many people are not even aware that happiness is a choice they can make. Once you learn that being happy is a choice, you may think you don't deserve it. Some people do not even love themselves enough to treat themselves with happiness. BE HAPPY, take my word for it, YOU'RE WORTH IT!

Why be happy? Because it's the best way to live, and it's the best way to give. You can't give away what you don't have. When you're happy, you start to share your happiness with others. Show them your happiness and let them model this behavior from you. They will become aware of happiness through you. Others will see the wisdom of choosing to be happy for themselves. It is all about controlling yourself, not others. People can't contaminate you with their unhappiness. To the contrary you will infect them with your happiness.

Learn to change what you can, and accept what you can't change. Being Happy allows you to tap into your own wisdom and common sense. Choosing happiness will make a big difference in your life ... and a big difference in the world.



Access Source And Its Great Content: http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=svx5mvcab&v=0010ZqHgiR1O6CNEWADhSQBOWHq5c-fJ1xa1b6FODR2L9NSxoNgp6Yj_Ml98oaY1wCvbtynTS_Zv-90NagOzXIwXoKaJqsaP-ipya_2uhJTaAkZZwKTT9gylA%3D%3D