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Living well & Dying well: Some reflections on regret, grief and procrastination Psychology Today

Procrastination
Living well & Dying well: Some reflections on regret, grief and procrastination
Regrets over things undone in the grieving process: life lessons
By Timothy A. Pychyl, Ph.D. on July 26, 2008 - 6:38pm in Don't Delay

Excerpts:

Dr. Eliason noted two kinds of regrets that people express in their grief over the loss of a loved one: regrets of commission and omission. The second regret, the things we omitted doing while our loved one was alive, captured my interest. Regrets of omission are so often the result of procrastination.

Regrets of omission are so often the result of procrastination.
I asked Dr. Eliason, "What is the nature of these regrets of omission?" adding, "Are these: 1) Things people really intended to do, but never did (i.e., procrastination)?; 2) Generalized possibilities of what they could have done?; 3) Cultural scripts of what they think they should have done, what would have been nice to do?; or 4) Internalized expectations about what the loved one might have wanted them to do?

His answer didn't surprise me. He said that all four types were part of the regrets he'd seen in his practice. So, I pushed on a little further and asked which type of regret seemed most problematic. As I expected given the guilt associated with procrastination, regret over the things these grieving people really intended to do but didn't was most problematic. The regrets of omission related to our procrastination were most troubling in the grieving process.

The chair of the paper session, Dr. Adrian Tomer (and lead editor of the volume noted above) added that, in his experience, this type of unfulfilled intended action truly was the most problematic aspect of bereavement. While it may be possible to forgive oneself for an act of commission, as we all make mistakes, realizing too late in life that you simply failed to take action when you could have, is unbearable in many instances.

For those of you who have read my earlier blog entries about existentialism and procrastination (see "The anguish of procrastination" and "Bad Faith"), you'll clearly see the connections here. Procrastination isn't simply a matter of "all-nighters" on school assignments, work projects or our taxes. Procrastination is, quite often, a failure to grasp our own agency in life. It's a life of inauthentic engagement, or lack of engagement, which can bring with it these deep regrets of omission.

The conversations at this conference do provide the "antidote" for this possible inauthentic existence. It's the process of meaning-making. It's the continual process of validating a sense of coherence through the story of our lives. A story that is told with our active agency in pursuing goals which are relevant and meaningful to us.

Read full post: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200807/living-well-dying-well-some-reflections-regret-grief-and-procrastination

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This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.