The science of ever-lasting love

The science of ever-lasting love


The Herald ***

The science of ever-lasting love ***

Friday, February 12, 2010, 18:44 *

THERE is a question on the lips of the kissers on this, the most romantic weekend of the year: is this the start of a life-long partnership? *

Many would love to know the answer to that Valentine's Day puzzle. *

The most recent figures from the Office for National Statistics show the divorce rate in England and Wales fell in 2008 for the fifth year in succession – and that there are some firm numbers in the science of how and why relationships work. *

Psychologist John Gottman has shown he can predict with 90 per cent accuracy which newlywed couples will remain married and which will divorce four to six years later.
The University of Washington professor – known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations – is also 81 percent accurate in saying which marriages will survive after seven to nine years. *

In Plymouth, psychologist Mathew White draws on Prof Gottman's work to say there are six big reasons why romantic relationships start: proximity, familiarity, attractiveness, similarity, reciprocity and misattribution of emotion. *

"Proximity is fairly obvious," says Dr White, a lecturer at the University of Plymouth. "You need to meet the person. There is the internet but most couples were born in close proximity or work together, for example." *

As for familiarity, the more often you see a face, the more attractive it becomes. "If you reverse a photo of the Mona Lisa, most people prefer it the original way," he adds. *

Attractiveness is about matching like with like: "Most people end up with someone with a very similar level of attractiveness." *

And the same goes for familiarity. "People are attracted to homogeneity: those with the same attitudes and beliefs to their own," Dr White adds. *

Reciprocity is another of the more obvious reasons why we are attracted to another person. "It is difficult to love if we are not loved back." *

Misattribution of emotion requires more explanation – and here comes the science. *

In 1974, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted an experiment in which an attractive woman got men to answer a questionnaire immediately after they had crossed a rickety suspension bridge. After each survey she gave them her phone number and said they could call if they had any questions. *

The experiment was repeated at the end of stable bridge. *

"17 per cent of the men called the woman and asked for a date in the experiment which used the safe bridge," says Dr White. "40 per cent of men called the woman after the rickety bridge. *

"That's a huge increase. It's because when we are aroused, we can misattribute the arousal." Similar results were found when a man interviewed women in the same circumstances: they mistook their arousal from the bridge – raised heartbeat and increasing breathing – for the arousal they felt from the attractive interviewer's presence. *

That arousal confusion can happen in more conventional man-meets-woman situations: the feel-good party can turn a lukewarm prospect into a hot date. *

And that might, perhaps, be the first step on the path to a life partnership. *

Are the six rules a fast-forward to a firm and lasting relationship? *

Not necessarily, says Sue Hirons of Plymouth Relate. Once we are attracted, together and attached we need to keep talking and working on our relationship. *

She says couples can find themselves in trouble in their relationships partly because they don't think things through. *

They might not know how to stop the little things that can niggle and which can undermine a relationship leaving it vulnerable to a crisis. *

"People are attracted, they get together and go with the flow," says Ms Hirons, centre manager of the Plymouth counselling organisation. *

"It is when they hit the skids that issues raise their heads. *


"They wait and wait and wait and come for relationship counselling when it almost the point of no return." *

How do things go wrong? *

"When the first child comes along, that can completely change a relationship," says Ms Hirons. *

"Even a couple who have lived together getting married can change the dynamic somehow." *

But there are two headline-grabbers among the relationship shocks. Money is often an issue and increasingly so during the recession, says Ms Hirons, and an affair is the other big shock. *

"If a couple have two of those coming together they can feel that there is no return. But of course there can be a way back, if they want it to work." *

That relationship work ethic is less valued in an increasingly self-centred, throwaway society that looks for quick fixes. *

"There is a feeling that if anything – a relationship even – is not working, you should just go and get another one," Ms Hirons adds. *

"For some people divorce might be the answer. Some people are better off apart and we help them through it. *

"But we need to make sure they aren't taking baggage into the next relationship or they may repeat the story. Starting again is not as easy as it seems. The same problems can come up." *
Back to the positive, then: how can we get rocky relationships back on track and keep stable ones off the bumpy road to a breakdown? *


"Communication," says Ms Hirons. "That sounds flippant, but is so important." *

Early on in a relationship, tackle the simple things and sort out the minor irritations. *

"Flag things that you feel are important: who will cook the meals, who will do the dishes? *

"Inane things like leaving the loo seat up or clothes lying around: those small things can have a massive impact. They can develop and cause the moans and groans that chip away at a relationship." *

Communication should be positive and clear. *

"A woman might say, 'you are not very affectionate'. We assume that our partners know what we mean but what does that mean to her partner? Better to say, 'I would like it if you kissed me when you come home and held my hand while we are watching TV'." *

Other proven tips on staying together – and happy with it – come from Dr White. *

"Idealisation helps in relationships," he says. "Having a positive illusion about your partner, thinking that they are the bees knees, is better than having a totally realistic view." *

Avoiding the Four Horsemen is vitally important, too, he adds. *

That is a not a reference to the male riders in the Biblical Book of Revelation who represent the disease, war, famine and death that herald the end of the world. *

Instead they are the quartet of damaging habits employed during disagreements that can doom a relationship, as outlined by Prof Gottman. They are: contempt, excessive criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness. *

Contempt is characterised by rolling of the eyes, an undercurr
ent of hostility and name-calling. *

Criticism is personal and a character attack. A complaint is about a particular issue and is reasonable: "I was disappointed we couldn't go to the pub tonight because you were late from work." *

Criticism is different and is damaging: "You are always back late so we can never go to the pub. You are always inconsiderate." *

Avoiding an issue through stonewalling can cause resentment and allow problems to grow. *

Constantly making excuses when a partner brings up a problem tells them to back off – we are basically ignoring their feelings. *

Dr White also cites the 5:1 ratio highlighted by Prof Gottman, whose research shows that negative actions are five times more damaging to a relationship than positive ones are in repairing. *

Prof Gottman says the finding suggests that if you do something negative to hurt your partner's feelings, you have to make up for it with five positive things. *

Dr White says that the imbalance between the effects of positive and negative is borne out in other areas of research in psychology. "Losing £100 feels twice as bad as winning £100 feels good," he says. *

There is also the problem of a natural fall-off in relationships, although this appears to be a four-year not a seven-year itch. A 10-year study of 10,000 couples shows that getting together boosts life satisfaction after marriage, which falls away to be back where it started after four years, says Dr White. *

So how do we stop that curve to go back up again? Best ask what all the 'experts' – the psychologists and the counsellor – agree are the masters of the subject: successful couples. *

Don and Doreen Hill, of Higher St Budeaux, celebrated their diamond wedding in the run-up Valentine's Day. *

Their secret is that they "share everything and do everything" including the housework, says Don and, even before he's passed the phone to Doreen I know that they have reciprocity going strong because I can hear her agreeing in the background. *

The two 79-year-olds aren't perfect and they have been known to row. *

"Any couples who say they don't aren't telling the truth," he says. *

"It's normal human interaction," he adds (and Doreen is saying 'yes' in the background). *

The key is how you argue and what you do to resolve the problem, Don says. You have to admit mistakes or faults. "No-one is perfect and when you have an argument you have to forget it and not have grudges." *

Doreen says that they do not have secrets from each other. *

"Maybe we did when we were younger but not for a long time now," she says. *

The positivity is constantly kept up through small acts of helpfulness and occasional gifts. *

"Don sometimes brings me flowers for no special occasion and we like to have a bit of a celebration on Valentine's Day even if we don't go out," Doreen adds. *

Back to the professionals: does Valentine's Day matter? Yes, say Dr White and Ms Hirons. *

They agree, though, that relationships need small gestures of love and affectation and couples should not get hung up on grand occasions. *

"You might think Valentine's Day is commercial and all about cards and presents," says Ms Hirons. "But it helps you focus on what you like about each other. *

"Buy some flowers, get your partner a little present and keep up those small gestures. Grand gestures we can't always keep up." *

And sometimes cementing a relationship can be done with thoughts and words, Dr White suggests. *

Beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, although "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind," to borrow a quote from Shakespeare. *
Says Dr White: "Keep thinking your partner is wonderful – and keep telling them they are." *


Access Original Article: http://www.thisisplymouth.co.uk/features/science-lasting-love/article-1831881-detail/article.html

***********************************************************************
http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.