Do You Know What You Are Feeling? - HBR Blog Network.

Peter Bregman


1:35 PM Friday May 18, 2012

Excerpts:


Simply being able to feel is a feat in itself. We often spend considerable unconscious effort ignoring what we feel because it can be painful. Who wants to be afraid or jealous or insecure? So we stifle the feelings, argue ourselves out of them, or distract ourselves with busy work or small talk.

Unacknowledged feelings simmer under the surface, waiting to lunge at unsuspecting, undeserving bystanders. Your manager doesn't answer an email, which leaves you feeling vulnerable — though you don't acknowledge it — and then you end up yelling at an employee for something unrelated. Why? Because your anger is coiled in your body, primed, tense, aching to get out. And it's a lot safer to yell at an employee than bring up an uncomfortable complaint with a manager.
But repression is not an effective strategy. It's where passive aggressiveness is born. It's the foundation of most dysfunctional organizational politics. And it undermines the collaboration so integral to any company.

It sounds easy to know what you're feeling and express it. But it takes great courage.
How do you get to those feelings? Take a little time and space to ask yourself what you are really feeling. Keep asking until you sense something that feels a little dangerous, a little risky. That sensation is probably why you're hesitant to feel it and a good sign that you're now ready to communicate.

It's counterintuitive: Wait to communicate until you feel vulnerable communicating. But it's a good rule of thumb.

Peter Bregman is a strategic advisor to CEOs and their leadership teams. His latest book is 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done. To receive an email when he posts, click here.



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