How the right partner makes a better you | Psychology Today

How the right partner makes a better you Psychology Today

November 23, 2009,>

How the right partner makes a better you Choose your partner well-- and become a better you. >

While you choose the kind of person we want to be, you are also greatly affected by others. And, much like Michelangelo chiseled beautiful forms from stone, the right partner can help shape you into the person you'd like to be. This Michelangelo phenomenon not only feels intuitively accurate, but there is empirical support for it. >

The researchers Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist, & Whitton (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1999) explain that this phenomenon includes a three-step process.

[1] First, an individual's perceptions of their partner must fit with their partner's "ideal self" (how he or should would ideally like to be). For instance, Mary would like to be a kinder person, and John sees her as loving.

[2] Next, because of these perceptions, the individual acts in ways that bring out those behaviors in their partner. In our example, John asks Mary questions at social functions that bring out her warm, caring nature with others.

[3] Finally, the partner becomes increasingly like the ideal self that he or she would like to be. Back to our example, Mary becomes increasingly closer to her ideal self-a more loving person. >

Another group of studies has shown that this phenomenon works in people with high self-esteem, but not in those with low self-esteem. The results have revealed that high-self-esteem individuals tend to accurately identify when their partners view them positively. When they have self-doubts, they resolve them by believing their partners' positive feedback. In contrast, low-self-esteem individuals incorrectly think that their partners view them negatively, which prevents the Michelangelo phenomenon from occurring. >

These lines of research make me think of the old adage that you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. However, they focus on a slightly different truism: as long as you generally feel good about yourself, the warm love of a well-chosen partner can help you become more of what you want to be. >

Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ. >

(If you are interested in reading the research I have used to support this entry, I'd be happy to provide the references) >

Read Original Post: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/200911/how-the-right-partner-makes-better-you


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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.