Five Needs Every Marriage Has | Psychology Today

Five Needs Every Marriage Has Psychology Today

by Susan Pease Gadoua
October 12, 2009, Relationships


Five Needs Every Marriage Has

Excerpts:

Like it or not, you have needs: we all do. We would hardly be human if we didn't. In my work, I am often surprised by how many people - both men and women - either try to deny their needs or don't know they have them.

These unmet needs are the leading underlying factors behind most disputes and disappointments couples have. The more disputes and disappointments you have, the more tumultuous your relationship and, therefore, more likely you are to divorce.

Gaining clarity on what your personal needs are, what your marital needs are as well as how and where to get your needs met has a huge impact on the direction you take in your marriage. Once you know and understand your needs, some of you can take action to meet them. Whatever issues were causing the problems can be addressed. For others, uncovering your needs may highlight that your spouse is unwilling or incapable of meeting them.


What is it about having needs that has such negative implications? Since we all have them, why can't we be more open about our needs with ourselves and others? What's the big deal? Well, by virtue of having needs we are rendered vulnerable - a state most of us don't feel comfortable being in.

If our physical needs don't get met, we can literally die. In the realm of our emotional needs, we may not die if they are not fulfilled, but we are open to being deeply wounded and to feeling tremendous pain or sadness. In having needs, we are often dependent on others to help us get our needs satisfied. This is most true in childhood, when we are the most dependent we will ever be.

How well our needs were met and what we were taught as young people about needing and being needed sets the stage for the rest of our lives in the sense that you cannot advance to the next level of need until your more basic needs are met.


Marriage and the Hierarchy of Needs
Just how does a marriage survive? What must be present for both spouses to feel safe? How do both get their love needs met? And the same questions may be asked as to how both people get their esteem and actualization needs met within the marriage.

While some of the answers may differ from couple to couple, there are basic qualities of a marriage that most people in most cultures would agree must be present. By way of introduction, the Marital Hierarchy of Needs breaks down as follows:

- Marriage Survival Needs:
- Marriage Safety Needs:
- Marriage Love Needs:
- Marriage Esteem Needs:
- Marriage Actualization Needs:

We have all been taught that, when it comes to marriage, "love is all you need" and, as a society, we often focus on maintaining this love. But what we are not taught is that we must feed, water and nurture our marriage by meeting the lower needs of the union.

When we as humans don't have our basic needs met, we become more pushy, aggressive and fear-based. When we feel safe, comfortable, loved and esteemed, we tend to have more confidence, ease and trust that we will continue to get what we need.

Read full post: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200910/five-needs-every-marriage-has



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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.