Inside the Love Lab: Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work
By Laura L.C. Johnson on October 24, 2009 – 11:07 pm No Comment
Laura L.C. Johnson, MBA, MA, is working toward licensure as a marriage and family therapist in California. Visit http://www.lauralcjohnson.com/. Laura practices a positive therapy approach to help her clients learn skills to build positive emotions, optimism and resilience while decreasing unhelpful thinking, behaviors and emotions. Full bio.
Laura writes on the 25th of each month, and her past articles are here.
In the “Love Lab,” researchers claim they can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will thrive or fail after watching and listening to them for just five minutes. The Love Lab is actually Dr. John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute near the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman and his team have been studying how couples argue and resolve conflict and have followed hundreds of couples over time to see if their marriages last. Using a scientific approach, they have found four negative factors that can predict divorce and seven positive principles that predict marital success.
The Four Horsemen>
Gottman says he looks for certain kinds of negativity, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” to predict a relationship’s failure: >
Criticism – Global negative statements about yourRepair attempts are efforts a couple makes to deescalate tension during conflict – “to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented.” The Four Horsemen alone predict divorce with 82% accuracy but when you add in the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy goes to 90+%.>
partner’s character or personality.>
Contempt – Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling,
sneering, mockery and hostile humor can be poisonous because they convey
disgust.
Defensiveness – This is a way of blaming your
partner and can escalate the conflict. >
Stonewalling – A partner may disengage from the
relationship, signaled by looking away without saying anything and acting as
though he/she doesn’t care about what the other is saying. >
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work>
Based on Gottman’s research, he has developed seven principles that help improve a marriage’s chances of success: >
1. Enhance Your Love Maps - Emotionally intelligent couples are familiar with the details of each other’s world. They remember the major events in each other’s history and keep up to date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s world changes. They know each other’s goals, worries and hopes in life. >
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration - This is one of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long-lasting marriage. It involves feeling that your partner is still worthy of honor and respect in spite of their flaws. Gottman found that 94% of the time when couples put a positive spin on their marriage’s history, they are likely to have a happy future.>
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away - When a partner makes a bid for your attention, affection, humor or support, turning toward your partner is the basis of emotional connection. The real secret is to turn to turn toward each other in little ways every day. >
4. Let Your Partner Influence You - The happiest marriages were those where the husband was able to convey honor and respect for their wife and did not resist sharing power and decision making. These husbands actively search for common ground instead of insisting on getting their way. Gottman found women were more likely to let their husbands influence them by taking their opinions and feelings into account. >
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems - Resolving conflict involves five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise and be tolerant of each other’s faults. Some suggested practices include:>
• Complain but don’t blame. <
• Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” <
• Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. <
• Be clear, polite and appreciative. <
• Don’t store things up. >
6. Overcome Gridlock - Ending gridlock doesn’t mean solving the problem, but rather moving from gridlock to dialogue. Some steps are: >
• Learn to uncover your partner’s dreams.<
• Understand why each of you feels so strongly about the gridlocked
issue.<
• Soothe each other to avoid flooding.<
• End the gridlock by making peace with the issue, accepting the
differences between you, talking without hurting each other and compromising.
>
7. Create Shared Meaning - See if you can agree on the fundamentals in life. Create an atmosphere where you can speak candidly and respectfully about your values and dreams. Accept and respect that you each may have some dreams that the other doesn’t share. >
How the Principles Work >
Gottman did a nine-month follow-up of 640 couples who attended a two-day workshop where couples were trained in the seven principles for making marriage work. He found that the relapse rate, or return to their previous level of marital distress, was only 20% for couples who attended the workshop versus 30% to 50% for standard marital therapy. >
References: >
Driver, J. L. & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43 (3), 301-314.>
Gottman, J. Making Marriage Work >
Gottman, J. M., Driver, J. & Tabares, A. T. (2002). Building the sound marital house: An empirically derived couple therapy. In Gurman, A.S. & Jacobson, N. S. (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp. 373-399). New York: Guilford. >
Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: Exploratory analysis using 14-year longitudinal data. Family Process, 41 (1), 83-96. >
Gottman, J. M. & Notarius, C. I. (2002). Marital research in the 20th century and a research agenda for the 21st century. Family Process, 41 (2), 159-197. >
Gottman, J. M. & Carrere, S. (2000). Welcome to the love lab. Psychology Today, September/Ocober Issue, 42-87. >
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press. >
Read original post: http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/laura-lc-johnson/200910244255
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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.
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