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Tips to build a ‘Grown Up’ love life
Author: Follow the ‘4 Cs’ to develop quality relationships
Stacy Kaiser, in "How to be a Grown Up", identifies the 10 critical areas that will help readers develop the life skills to become a successful, happy, well rounded adult. In chapter five, excerpted below, she urges readers to follow the four Cs to build a long-lasting, quality relationship.
It’s All About Respect
When I ask people to talk about what they’re looking for in an intimate relationship, they answer with things like: somebody I feel a connection with, a companion, great chemistry, funny, tall, employed ... What I rarely hear people answer is, “Somebody who treats me with respect.” To me, any successful intimate relationship is built on a foundation of respect. If you respect the person, you will always consider his feelings and needs, and you will know that he will do the same for you. A grown up is looking for someone who understands the value of respect and shows it to his or her family, coworkers, and romantic partner. When people are disrespectful to any of these others, there will come a day, no matter how fabulous they are to you now, when they will not respect you. If you are in a relationship now, or are seeking a relationship, the number one question to ask yourself is: Do we have a strong foundation of respect?
The way I describe respect came out of a definition I learned from my mentor Gloria Hirsch. My definition is as follows: respect means putting the comfort, well-being, and happiness of the person you’re with equal to your own. If I am hungry and feel like having Italian food, but you want Chinese, I will consider both of our desires and work toward compromise. What to eat is a very superficial example, but the idea behind this choice extends out to even big decisions. If I want to live in the suburbs, and you want to live in the heart of the city, and I care about your comfort, feelings, and happiness, then we’re going to do everything we can to make both of us happy. If I like sports and want to watch a game every night, but it makes my partner miserable, we’re going to work out a way that we’re both happy. Successful relationships have two partners who have built on a foundation of respect, where they put each other’s needs equal to their own instead of above or below. I care about your finding a quality partnership, and I will guarantee that if you insist on receiving respect and give it in return you will increase your chance of success!
When I meet couples, whether it’s in private practice or on television, seeing a lack of respect on either of their parts is the biggest red flag to me that they’re on the path to a breakup. In my mind it is the biggest single indicator that things are not going well, and failure is in their future. Why is it that we treat the people we profess to love most the worst? A grown up shouldn’t do that, and yet so many of us do. Sometimes we treat insignificant people — a clerk in a store that we’ll never see again — with more respect and good manners than we do our own mates! We need to flip this tendency. If you can treat someone who hardly matters well, then you can treat somebody who really matters better.
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The Cherry Pie Story
I once counseled a couple named Jill and John. They had only been dating for a short time, but they were very much enamored with each other. When Jill’s birthday came up, John went to the store with the intention of surprising her with a fabulous dessert.
Little did he know that not only did Jill not like pie, she hated cherries. John was so excited because he thought out of the box and did something creative and was already envisioning this as the start of a tradition. Every year, he thought, for her birthday he would buy her a cherry pie for them to share. He showed up at her house with a bunch of gifts and the pie hidden in a bag. She was delighted with the presents as each one was something she loved. Lastly, she opened up the bag with the pie, and her face fell. “What is this?” she asked.
“A cherry pie!” John said proudly.
“I hate cherries, and I hate pie! Who would ever choose a pie for a birthday dessert? You’re crazy!” Without asking any questions or being open to his explanation, Jill told John to go home, and without hesitation he did.
Jill did not take the time to stop and listen to the rationale behind this gift. She reacted based on her (high) expectations and lashed out. If she had heard the story, she might have realized how sweet and well meaning John was. She only found that out two weeks later when they came to see me. They are married now. This incident with the cherry pie comes up every year. Even now, there’s still clearly a lot of investment and emotion in it.
I share this story because although John is the only man I have ever met who has bought a cherry birthday pie, the underlying themes and issues are quite common in couples I meet. Many people in intimate relationships only consider their own interpretation of a partner’s action, instead of trying to figure out what the other person is truly trying to say or do.
They don’t ask questions, they don’t probe for details or an explanation, and often they spin their own tale as to why their mates did what they did or said what they said. It is important when your partner disappoints you or does something you don’t like to do some investigation. You know, that legal presumption of “innocent until proven guilty” should also apply to your relationship!
An evolved dynamic communicator might say, “Gosh, a cherry pie. That’s not my favorite, actually I don’t really like them, and it’s an unusual choice for a birthday ... I’m wondering what you were thinking.” Then she listens to the story before she reacts. Imagine what would have happened if Jill had asked John a question like that? I was the first person to ever ask him why the cherry pie, because I know that when somebody does something unusual or out of the ordinary, there’s usually a reason.
I’ve told you the two most important elements to have in a relationship; now let me tell you some things that I see on a regular basis that can lead your relationship to a slow and sad end.
As we’ll talk more about in the balance / time management chapter, we live in a society of instant gratification. These days relationships are very much about what I want here and now — today, right this minute — and that can be damaging to a partnership that you aspire to have last long term. Focusing on how you are not feeling happy right this minute takes the focus off of being happy in the end. If we want to walk together, holding hands into the sunset as a happy elderly pair, then we need to make the choices now in our relationship that lead in that direction.
I think you and I would agree that you desire more than just love, but lasting love. To attain that goal, stop the following behaviors immediately: give up the need to be right, the need to win, the finger-pointing, the name calling, the yelling, and the fights about the small stuff. Keep the end game firmly in mind: when we are old, I want us to still be together. People get too caught up in day-to-day demands and irritations and forget that there’s a bigger goal of being together for a lifetime.
Plants need time and care, and yet the relationship that people give the least time and care to is the one they are closest to. If you are involved in an intimate relationship, do you spend time growing it, cultivating it, and maintaining it? Or are you too busy? That is where the idea of respect comes in. If everything you do is based on respect, wanting your partner to be happy while adoring him in the process, then you’ve done 60 percent of the work already. Naturally most people fall far short of even this. They stop trying. They put work first. Sports first. The kids’ needs. They scream and yell. They snipe or give the silent treatment. They argue over little things, when most of these things could be worked out if they love each other and are committed to the relationship.
What else gets in the way of intimate relationships? The two deadly Ps: pride and power. Both are healthy, desirable qualities in ourselves and others — when properly demonstrated and not used to beat others over the head! People with pride generally care about their work, results, and reputation, and they tend to look and perform at their highest level. Pride also keeps them from being abused or taken advantage of. Power is a great thing to have — this whole book is about personal power! — as long as it is exercised benevolently and for the greater good—not to abuse and take advantage of another. The problems with the two deadly Ps come when they are used as weapons to alienate, get leverage, or push people away. The ultimate result: distance and conflict between you and the person on the receiving end of your prideful and overpowering ways.
Pride says, I’m too good for this. Pride says, I’m not giving this to you, because you don’t give it to me. Pride says, You did this, so I’m doing that. Pride says, I’d rather win than give in. Its cousin, power, comes along hand-in-hand with pride. Power says, Winning is more important than peace. Power says, I don’t have to listen to you. Power says, What I say should go. Period. Power says, I don’t care what you want as long as I get what I want. Remember the whole idea to keep in mind of walking together as two elderly people holding hands into the sunset?
Fortunately, these battles for pride and power tend to wane with age. Many people, as they get older, tend to soften. They become more fragile and less invested in their egos. Their pride and the desire for power are no longer their primary driving forces. They’re just as happy to hold hands and play shuffleboard. Remember this now!
The Ultimate Prize
My whole point in writing this book is to encourage you. To make you want to behave in a grown-up way, because the rewards are so worth it, and to give you some tools to set you on the right path in every area! Like everything else we’ve discussed so far in this book, the skills to navigate intimate relationships can be learned, no matter how dismal your romantic history. It is not too late to change, grow, and learn.
Unfortunately, however, some change involves pain. Given the overwhelming tendency to head down the wrong path — meaning, fall in love with the “wrong” person — that we’ve all been guilty of at one time or another, what can we do about that now? This is where we have to walk the talk when it comes to being a fully loaded grown up. A grown up knows that the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do! Whether this means walking away from a long marriage, giving up on an addicted boyfriend or girlfriend no matter how much the person loves you and begs you to stay, recognizing early on that your needs aren’t being met while you’re dating somebody and breaking up with them, and so forth. Yes, it’s painful and difficult. Yes, making this kind of informed decision is the downside to being a grown up. But in some cases there is simply no chance for mutually fulfilling lasting love, and that’s what this chapter is all about.
- CONSIDER your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and desires. Insist your partner consider yours as well.
- COMPROMISE as often as you can. If you are both happy/satisfied, you both win. Choose a partner who is interested in compromising as well.
- COMFORT your partner when he or she is in pain, even if it’s because of something you did. Your partner deserves it, because we all deserve it, and deserves it even more because you love each other. Don’t settle for a partner who can’t comfort you in return.
- COMPLIMENT daily. It lifts people up, puts a smile on their faces, counteracts insecurities, makes up for the challenges they’ve had or mistakes they’ve made, and it simply feels good! Find someone who sees value in complimenting you back!
As children, our fairytales all ended the same way: “They got married and lived happily ever after.” These childhood stories were written by other people. Now that you’re a grown up and creating the story of your own life, you get to write your own happy ending!
From Chapter 5 of "How to Be a Grown Up" © 2010 by Stacy Kaiser published by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Access Content Source: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/37241018/ns/today-today_books//
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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.
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