BusinessWorld Weekender: Crazy little thing called love
Business World ***
Posted on 06:05 PM, February 11, 2010 *
BY JOHANNA D. POBLETE, Reporter *
Crazy little thing called love ***
In Japan, there is a little custom where if you were so inclined, you could hire somebody, a wakaresaseya, to ruin your own relationship -- either the hired professional breaks up with your lover for you, or schemes to provoke your lover into breaking up with you. Before Shannen Doherty made it to reality TV, the Japanese already knew what they were about. Wakaresaseya firms continue to make a living by enforcing separation, guaranteeing 100% success rate, and keeping the Japanese -- who are either too polite and non-confrontational (or too spineless?) to do the honors -- happily single and available. *
One wonders if business goes up before, after, or during Valentine’s Day when love is uppermost in the mind. *
Valentine’s Day, in theory, should be an opportune time to be single. Love is in the air, people are inspired to behave flirtatiously, and traditionally, the 14th (or more accurately, the 15th ) of February was not a day for the lovers, but for those who wished to obtain a lover. Its history can be traced to the pagan festival Lupercalia, which among other things, had maidens running the streets being whipped with the flayed hide of a sacrificial goat -- to promote fertility -- and whose names were drawn from a jar by men in a lottery to pair them up for the duration of the festival, or for as long as they wished to remain in the relationship (one can likely trace the European tradition of hand-fasting from here). *
The turnabout came with Christianity, and the decision to instead honor a saint who supposedly married lovers in secret against the wishes of a despotic Roman emperor who wanted military men loyal to Rome rather than hearth and home. So now we celebrate the state of the union, congratulate the paired up -- the loved -- rather than those who are un-paired, un-loved, or simply have suffered a breakup or a loss of love. Of late, there has been an effort to use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to celebrate any kind of love -- filial, platonic, even self-love. And it is in the last we find a slot for the brokenhearted, those dropped by Cupid’s poisoned arrow, those who may not be in the right frame of mind to look for a new love, and those likely to do bodily damage to the first wakaresaseya they hit upon. *
Love is addictive ***
Why do we fall in love when it leaves us so vulnerable? It is a biological imperative -- our bodies are meant to mate and procreate. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher speaks of three basic drives, the lust-driven sex drive or libido; romantic attraction, or romantic love, which she believes to be more powerful than libido; and finally, attachment or the deep feelings of union with a long-term factor. Love can start off with any of these three feelings. *
"Some people have sex first and then fall in love. Some fall head over heels in love, then climb into bed. Some feel deeply attached to someone they have known for months or years; then circumstances change, they fall madly in love and have sex. But the sex drive evolved to encourage you to seek a range of partners; romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your mating energy on just one at a time; and attachment evolved to enable you to feel deep union to this person long enough to rear your infants as a team," Ms. Fisher maintains. *
The wrench in the works is when a couple severs the connection. Perhaps the attraction wasn’t strong enough to begin with. Perhaps external circumstances conspired to make the love peter out. Perhaps the bond dissolved because of a third party -- even Ms. Fisher admits that the three drives are not necessarily connected to each other, and that one can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner while feeling intense romantic love for someone else, and while feeling a sexual attraction to people unrelated to these other partners. *
There is a subtle and complex system at work in human attraction and mating, and not everything is within our control. Take the phenomena of pheromones, that cocktail of body fluids (sweat, saliva, semen, vaginal fluids, breast milk, blood) inciting lust by scent alone, traveling the neural pathway to the hypothalamus, and initiating the release of sex hormones that fuel erotic feelings and sensations. In Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes? Bodies, Behavior, and Brains -- The Science Behind Sex, Love & Attraction by Jena Pincott (Delacorte Press, 2008), one learns that women prefer the body odors of men who have major histocompatibility complex (MHC) gene variants that are mostly different from their own, because any offspring would inherit a more diverse MHC and stronger immune system. The choice is made subliminally. (So honey, it’s not you, really, that other guy just smelled way better.) *
Research has shown that love/passion has neurological payoffs, a system of reward and motivation involving natural stimulants such as dopamine and oxytocin. As Ms. Fisher sensationally termed it, love is like a drug and it affects the same region in the brain that is stimulated when a person takes a hit of cocaine -- as proven in an experiment where people who professed to be "madly in love" submitted to magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans. It’s addictive. Love tends to "rewire" the mind. The brain of someone "on love" resembles the drug-addled brain or someone temporarily insane. That said, when love is gone, one can imagine the lover goes into a type of withdrawal syndrome. *
Driven mad by love? ***
"Love sickness" is an outdated term, but there are instances when it seems appropriate. It is acceptable for a lock of hair to be kept as a memento, but keeping a pair of used underwear is deviant behavior. Discreetly looking up the object of one’s affections online is satisfying normal curiosity; stalking the known home and work address is aberrant. Tearing up the photo of the ex in a fit of jealous rage is fairly common; beating up a rival is disturbing. *
Dr. Eduardo Juan L. Tolentino, Jr., Chief of Psychiatry at the Makati Medical Center and one psychiatrist involved in the National Program for Mental Health, is careful in defining what is considered "insane" behavior, although he gives credence to the notion that there is a thin line between normal and abnormal. *
"As a rule of thumb, the thin line is crossed when functionality is already affected... When I say functionality, there’s the biological (sleep, appetite, thinking and energy levels), psychological (emotional behavior), and social (personal network, faith and values)... Generally, to be balanced, there has to be three supports, and that’s work, love and play," he told BusinessWorld. *
Within the bounds of normalcy, the brokenhearted could experience a loss of appetite, sporadic crying jags, and perhaps a few nights of insomnia, but continues to eat, drinks enough to re-hydrate, and goes in to work. Functionality goes by the wayside when pathology sets in. The person stops eating, becomes unproductive, avoids company, starts questioning his own faith and values, and perhaps even attempts suicide. *
Some people respond to rejection or loss by turning workaholic; others become alcoholic, or addicted (sleeping pills included, even legal crutches like cigarettes and coffee), have indiscriminate sex, or worse, lash out. Dr. Tolentino noted that in crimes of passion, a lot the cases turn out to have some psychological problems in the first place. "One of the predictive factors would be past violence. There was no intervention, so why would they change?" he said. *
There’s the temporarily insane and then there’s the sociopath or antisocial personality disorder, which has charm but no conscience nor empathy for others, and falls under cluster B personality disorders, alongside narcissistic personality (the megalomaniacs), borderline personality (unclear boundaries mean they go into very intense relationships and have tumultuous breakups, are very sensitive to rejection and become self-injurious or slashers, substance abusers, very disruptive and sometimes violent), and histrionic (hysterical, melodramatic attention-seekers). *
A person’s background is indicative of whether they’ll be able to cope with the demands of stress, or whether they’ll snap at the pressure. Genetic and developmental predisposition is a factor, as are environmental influences, family background and rearing, a history (or lack) of trauma, abuse or illness. People who have had previous psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse are at risk. Those who have good education and a stable economic or financial status would be at an advantage. *
Love in recovery ***
For the majority, a broken relationship follows the stages of dying. First is denial -- "is it really over?" -- exhibited in lover-like behavior, as though nothing has changed. When confronted -- "it’s over, we’re done" -- anger steps in, fault-finding in a bid to make sense of the failure. Then comes bargaining; a try at reconciliation, promises are made. When bargaining doesn’t work, depression sets in, before, finally, acceptance. *
People tend to vacillate back and forth through the stages, six weeks to six months at the most. The ideal is they move into an integrated stage of both emotional as well as intellectual acceptance, said Dr. Tolentino. The key to recovery is resiliency, which is dependent on the individual’s risk factors and protective factors. A confluence of events could break down one’s coping mechanisms, but for the most part, when faced with a challenging situation, a healthy, normal individual would rally. *
Culture is also a factor. In a suicide prevention regional workshop for members of the World Health Organization in the Asia-Pacific region, the Philippines emerged with the lowest incidence of suicide compared to the likes of Japan, China, and Australia. In studies of coping, Dr. Tolentino said resiliency is highlighted, whether looking into Holo-caust victims, or victims of rape, kidnapping, or violence. *
"We looked at certain protective factors that are innate in Filipinos. One is resiliency. You place a Filipino anywhere, he will adjust and adjust, up to a point when he can no longer adjust -- that’s probably the only time he will commit suicide. Two is social support, which could be both bane and boon, and strong family values. Three is the Catholic faith, which disallows suicide," said Dr. Tolentino. *
"Resilience includes the ability to deduce from a very bad experience something that is good about it. It’s very Pinoy -- buti na lang hindi ka namatay kahit na-Ondoy ka (you’re lucky you didn’t die even if you suffered through Typhoon Ondoy). It’s just saying in another way, in more scientific terms, what exactly is occurring amongst Filipinos... it’s a different perspective," he added. *
"It was good while it lasted" ;"better now than when we’ve got kids to think about"; "I’ll forgive you because forgiving you will be good for me and help me move on" -- these are some of the mantras that the broken-hearted but optimistic use. Verbalization is one method of getting over an ex -- so the self-help books advise -- another is gaining perspective by listing all the things you won’t be missing and would gladly bequeath your ex (his bad jokes maybe?), and what you wish to keep from the relationship (your airline miles, your mutual friends, your dignity maybe?). Unburdening oneself to a sympathetic ear, even writing a no-holds barred "Dear John" letter without actually sending it, are also aids in getting over a bad breakup. *
On Valentine’s Day, when everyone else is hooking up, you may curse the fates that there are match-makers and breaker-uppers, but as yet no surrogate able to go cold turkey for a devastated lover. Dealing with the choices you’ve made is far from pleasant, but there is comfort in how you’re taking care of yourself. And eventually your chosen partner, how your relationship progresses, how you nurture it, (and, if ever, how you’ll bury it), will be your doing. *
It’s not exactly like picking someone’s name out of a jar or hat and deciding to make a go of it. Now that would be crazy. *
"You need to be responsible for yourself. Even in a relationship when they say that two become one, you keep your individuality. Because if there’s co-dependency, that may not even be love, you’re in there because there’s something that you may be getting from the other individual, and the other individual is getting something out of you," said Dr. Tolentino. *
"Each one has to be responsible for himself or herself. Before you can be wholly in a relationship, you have to be able to nurture yourself first. You can’t give of yourself in a relationship if in the first place kulang-kulang ka (you’re lacking). You have to be whole, you have to be mature." *
Access Original Post: http://www.bworldonline.com/weekender/content.php?id=6144
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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.
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