Happiness Club
January 1, 2012
John S. Tamerin, M.D.
Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry
Weill Cornell School of Medicine
Board of Scholars, Vail Leadership Institute
When we think deeply about the concept of commitment, we are soon aware that commitment requires perseverance, tenacity and conviction. When we then make a commitment, we discover that commitment is not easy, that setbacks are inevitable, and that accountability is essential. Commitment is heavy. Commitment is not discovered in our words-it is observed in our actions.
Having said that, what does it mean to make a commitment to happiness? Isn't that ridiculous? It seems rather like a devoted skier saying "I will make a commitment to ski fresh powder."
But stop for a moment....
The commitment to happiness is not an issue when we are faced with the "fresh powder" in our lives. The challenge for all of us is honoring the commitment to remain happy when we have broken a leg or the lifts are closed. The commitment to happiness starts to have meaning when things do not go well for us.
When we are faced with bad news, unpleasant surprises, ill-health, job loss, broken relationships or simply a broken promise, can we still maintain that commitment to happiness? How about when we are fired, receive an unexpected audit from the IRS or your spouse leaves you for someone else? Are you getting the point? Now this gets challenging. Now your "commitment" to happiness is being tested.
How do you commit to happiness under these circumstances? How do you stay centered, calm and focused - all of which are central ingredients of happiness? How do you avoid worrying, obsessing, and getting angry, all of which can ultimately lead to clinical depression? As a psychiatrist I have a few ideas. I hope that you or perhaps someone you love will find what I have to say helpful for the Holidays and in the New Year.
Happiness is not something that you can suddenly put on like a smiley face when bad things happen. It is something which must become part of you so that when challenges in your life occur, you are prepared. It all starts with making a commitment.
I hope that I am not being disrespectful to the Old Testament when I organize my suggestions as the "Ten Commitments."
1. Commit to "welcoming" criticism.
Instinctively, few of us welcome criticism. Most of us hate it and prefer to be complimented and praised. Yet the ancient sages describe this as one of the most admirable traits of character because if we have the courage to welcome criticism, it offers us an opportunity for unlimited growth throughout our lives.
Criticism does not always mean the other person doesn't care. Sometimes it demonstrates how much they do care and how much they want us to succeed. The same can be said of God. When we see difficult situations not as unfair or unfortunate, but as learning opportunities which our loving "father" has placed before us for our benefit, it will help us to accept and face these situations rather than avoid them.
2. Commit to focusing on the solution, not on the problem.
Unhappy people focus on their problems. Happy people focus on finding solutions. If you are already focusing on finding a solution when you have a problem, you are moving in the right direction. When you focus on problem solving, you are less likely to worry, obsess, blame yourself, blame others or get caught in the emotionality or "drama" of the situation. Instead of being agitated or irritated, you will be more inclined to stay calm and cool, strategic and creative.
Stay rational instead of worrying. Solutions to your problems will come as you calmly use your mind. The best weapon to protect your happiness and to fight against fear is calm, rational, strategic thinking.
3. Commit to recognizing the value of "no."
When people are asked what is the most important word in human relationships, they generally say "love." Most psychologists would disagree. The most important word is "no." "No" is the word that helps us to define our identity and delineate relationships. We tend to equate happiness with "yes". The truth is there can be little or no happiness without the word "no." "No" is the basis of responsibility, restraint and reliability. Without the word "no", we are unpredictable and so are all of our relationships. In order to be happy, we must be able to say "no" first to ourselves and then to others.
4. Commit to honoring your whimsy and your sense of humor.
Being happy is serious, not frivolous. Happiness is the greatest gift that you can give yourself. However, all work and no play does not lead to happiness. The ability to laugh at oneself in difficult or challenging situations provides unique perspective and objectivity. True happiness also involves a willingness to play and to forget your fears of being judged. Happiness depends on your inner sense of joy, which has a lot to do with your whimsy and your humor. Your happiness cannot depend on the opinions of others. If you do that, you are giving someone else control of your greatest possession-happiness. Would you give a stranger unlimited access to your credit card?
5. Commit to what you believe in.
To discover what you believe in, you first need to determine what your core values are. You need to recognize those values and ideals that have the greatest meaning for you. Then you need to commit to taking a stand and being willing to make sacrifices for the values and ideals you believe in. Commitment is living your convictions.
If you know what you believe in, you are on solid ground. When you are on solid ground you are stable. If you don't know what you believe in, you are unstable and can expect to experience a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is the opposite of happiness. It is almost impossible to be anxious and happy at the same time. Knowing what you believe in and having the courage to act on your beliefs will give your life meaning, purpose and solidity.
6. Commit to believing that you DESERVE to be happy.
Many people do not believe that they "deserve" to be happy. They feel that making a commitment to be happy is selfish and shallow, hardly something to be the central focus of a meaningful life. I disagree.
In fact, I believe that everything in life is better when we are happy. We think more clearly, we act with greater balance. We are slower to anger, quicker to forgive and we care more for ourselves and for others. In effect, when we are happy we are able to see not only with our eyes but with our brains and with our hearts.
The issue of guilt is central to our ability to commit to our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness. Certainly, our happiness should not be at the expense of others. On the other hand, unhappy people often put the needs and even the demands of others above their own happiness. This is generally a poor choice which results in much unnecessary unhappiness and suffering. Pain may be inevitable but suffering, believe it or not, is our choice
7. Commit to not wasting time.
Time is our most precious commodity. Sadly, unhappy people waste or squander a great deal of time. Happy people are well organized, plan ahead and are usually well prepared, even for emergencies. They are punctual. Conversely, unhappy people may say that they value time, but they act as if they don't.
They are often late in paying bills and end up facing interest and penalties. They frequently wonder where time went. They tend to spend more time in bed but sleep less well than happy people. Unhappy people often carry around a lot of worry and guilt on a regular basis.
This negatively impacts not only their days, but also their nights. It has been said that the best pillow is a clear conscience. A clear conscience is an indication that we are comfortable in our own skin. Unhappy people rarely feel this way about themselves. Perhaps this is why the problem is circular. People who feel good about themselves tend to value their time and consider it precious. This adds to their happiness. Conversely, people who are unhappy tend to not value themselves or their time and as a result compound their unhappiness by wasting time and then feeling badly about it.
8. Commit to dialogue not debate.
Happy people tend to have dialogues rather than debates when they talk with others in their lives, whether at home or at work. They commit to listening more and talking less. Often, people need to feel heard before they are willing to listen to you. It has been said that the greatest gift we can give another person is our rapt attention.
Dialogue is not trying to "fix" the other person. That is not your responsibility and will be perceived as annoying, insulting or intrusive. This invariably breeds resentment, not happiness.
When happy people speak, they try to be thoughtful and not merely reactive. They ask themselves what they wish to accomplish before they open their mouths.
9. Commit to being in control of your thoughts, feelings and behavior.
Happy people do not spend a great deal of time feeling anxious, irritable or bitter. They do not blame themselves and/or others when bad things happen. They do not feel sorry for themselves and they do not spend a lot of time ruminating over things which they cannot control. Happy people focus instead on what they can control, which is their attitude about what happens in their lives.
Most unhappy people believe that preventing these painful thoughts and feelings from entering their heads is impossible. They are wrong. Happy people know that they have considerable control in this area. They know that misery is passive whereas happiness is active. Happiness requires energy, flexibility, imagination and creativity. Like any skill, happiness must be learned and practiced. Happy people know that happiness is the greatest gift anyone could give themselves.
10. Commit to Integrity.
Happy people know that a central aspect of their happiness is being honest with themselves and with others. Unhappy people often do not make this firm commitment to integrity. They often do not tell the truth to themselves or to others. As a result, they frequently live in shame, not wanting others to know who they really are.
Integrity means not rationalizing, not lying, not walking away. Integrity means keeping your oath. An oath is sacred. People who live this way tend to be happy. People who do not live this way tend to be unhappy and/or make others in their lives unhappy. The New Testament has said "you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Honesty is where the physical and the metaphysical meet. This is a core ingredient of happiness.
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