The science of a healthy marriage
If only there was a way of telling your chances of divorce before the walk down the aisle. Well, there is
One of the strongest memories of my own marriage occurred on the day it began. Standing in the foyer of a church in Austin, Texas, I was a 21-year-old bride doing last-minute primping as I prepared to walk down the aisle. But like many brides, I was focused on the minutiae of the moment. I began to scowl as I realised the string quartet was playing the wrong part of Pachelbel’s Canon. My distress must have shown because my father, assuming I was nervous about my impending nuptials, leaned over to reassure me and whispered, “You’re doing the right thing.”
It would have been reassuring, except what I heard him say was “Are you doing the right thing?” And then the music shifted, my wedding song began, and my feet started moving down the aisle, as my father’s misunderstood words rang in my ears. “Are you doing the right thing?”
There were many wonderful things about the man I chose to marry, but we struggled. We loved each other, but we also learnt that sometimes love is not enough. Despite our best efforts, our marriage ended in divorce more than 17 years later in a New Jersey courtroom.
As the court was about to pronounce us ex-husband and ex-wife, my husband and I glanced at each other with sadness, sharing what would be our last moment of mutual understanding as a married couple.
At the end of my marriage, just as at the beginning of it, I wondered to myself, “Are we doing the right thing?”
The uncertainty of that moment set me on a quest to understand better where and why it had all gone so terribly wrong. In doing so, I discovered the vast scientific literature on marriage and relationships, and was shocked to discover that my risk for divorce had been apparent from the beginning. If only I had known what signs to look for, my husband and I might have sought intervention sooner to save our relationship — or perhaps we would have recognised irreconcilable differences years earlier, cut our losses, and had far more confidence in our decision to divorce.
Understanding the science of marriage gives us a crystal ball of sorts, to predict better which relationships will work and who will struggle to stay together.
What type of marriage do you have?
In a sweeping 30-year study on divorce in the United States, E. Mavis Hetherington identified five types of marriages. Much of what she learnt about unions revolved around conflict style.
Two types of marriages — [1] the cohesive marriage and [2] the traditional marriage — were most likely to be stable over time. However, she identified three styles of marriage — [3] the pursuer-distancer, [4] the disengaged marriage and [5] the operatic marriage — that put couples at high risk for divorce.
[1] The cohesive/individuated marriage had the second lowest divorce rate. The partners don’t spend every waking moment together, but they nonetheless seem bonded. “The marriage functions as a refuge the husband and wife return to at the end of the day for renewal, support, affection, and companionship,” writes Hetherington.
It’s often a surprise that a [2] traditional marriage, which is marked by the male breadwinner/female homemaker roles, is widely viewed as the most stable marriage — it had the lowest divorce rate in the study. For a traditional marriage to thrive, both partners have to be happy with their role, perform it well and feel respected by the other partner.
In [3] pursuer/distancer marriages, Hetherington found that in 80 per cent of cases, the pursuer is a woman. She is eager to confront and discuss problems. The man typically is the one to withdraw, avoid confrontation, and assume the “distancer” role. In a common pursuer-distancer conflict, the wife will bring up a problem. The husband will resist engaging in the discussion by reading the newspaper, turning on the television set, or just staring into space or at his food. Eventually, the distancer gets tired of the “nagging” and gets angry. The pursuer also gets fed up and withdraws into herself.
By contrast, [4] disengaged marriages unite two self-sufficient individuals, “who fear or don’t need intimacy to achieve a sense of well-being”. Disengaged couples don’t argue a lot — in fact, they often don’t need each other on a daily basis. The problem is that the men and women in these marriages would have pretty much the same lives if they were single, and they lack mutual affection and support.
By contrast, the [5] operatic marriage is characterised by dramatic highs and lows. These couples are emotionally volatile. Quarrelling often leads to sex. Hetherington said that people in operatic marriages reported the highest level of sexual satisfaction among all of the marriage types studied.
The fighting-sex cycle can work, but the danger is whether one or both partners say hurtful, damaging things during the conflict. Often these relationships end when one partner, typically the husband, decides the passion isn’t worth the constant conflict.
How do you and your spouse communicate?
The hallmark of modern marriage research is its focus on marital interaction. Scientists have video-recorded thousands of conversations between couples and used computer-assisted coding programme to deconstruct these interactions.
A few styles of interaction pose a distinct risk of marital unhappiness and divorce.
Avoiding conflict Couples who habitually avoid conflict think they are simply choosing a peaceful path, but the reality is that they are putting their marriage at risk.
One study followed married couples over just a three-year period. At the beginning of the study, the couples who rarely argued had the highest levels of marital happiness. They equated a happy marriage with low levels of conflict.
But three years later, much had changed. The couples who were arguing a lot at the beginning of the study reported big increases in marital satisfaction. They had resolved many of their differences and were enjoying a contented, productive partnership. What about the peaceful couples? Three years later, many of them were headed for divorce. By staying quiet and avoiding conflict when things bothered them, they had missed important opportunities to cultivate and grow their relationship.
Showing contempt Signs of contempt when couples communicate suggest that a marriage is in serious trouble. Contempt can be shown by dismissive comments or actions such as eye rolling. Name calling, swearing and put-downs also are signs of contempt. The marriage researcher Dr John Gottman, an American psychologist who is known worldwide for his work on marital stability, has said that contempt is one of the most telling predictors of divorce.
Disillusionment and Disappointment Feelings that your marriage isn’t what you expected or a sense of disappointment about how your life turned out are predictors of divorce. A University of Texas at Austin study of 156 newly married couples found that disillusionment in the early part of the relationship was a powerful predictor for divorce.
The “D” Word In 1980, researchers from three different universities began following more than 2,000 men and women. They kept track of them over the next 12 years as they went through various stages of marriage, divorce and remarriage.
The researchers discovered a simple and obvious predictor for future divorce. Men and women who had thought of divorce in 1980 were nine times more likely to have divorced by the end of the study. Simply thinking about divorce suggests that you’re open to the idea, and that makes you vulnerable to it.
Infidelity A landmark study by the Guttmacher Institute sought to identify risk factors for cheating. The analysis included 2,598 men and women aged 18 to 59 who had participated in the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey and who had been married or lived with a sexual partner.
Overall, cheating rates were extraordinarily low—only 11 per cent of respondents reported infidelity. But the scientists also found that cheating was associated with some specific risk factors: being a man; thinking about sex several times a day; having a high number of sexual partners; living in the city; being in a long relationship; living together without marriage; having lived together before marriage and being unhappy.
The study also identified some factors that appeared to protect couples against infidelity. People who stated they thought extramarital sex is wrong were 50 per cent less likely to be unfaithful and having lots of friends in common — sharing social networks with a spouse decreased the odds of cheating by 30 per cent.
Of course, it’s never just one thing that determines whether or not a marriage will succeed or fail. Most marriages don’t end in divorce. Most of us end up in stable, relatively contented relationships that have plenty of room for improvement. But a “good” marriage is in the details, and just as small things can add up in a bad marriage, good marriages can benefit from small, positive steps taken over time.
Tara Parker-Pope is a writer for The New York Times © Tara Parker-Pope 2010, extracted from For Better (For Worse): The Science of a Good Marriage, to be published by Vermilion on June 3 at £10.99.
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Access Content Source: http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7141224.ece
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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.
