Two-thirds of Americans believe in soul mates: study
But those with such fairy-tale expectations are much more likely to divorce
September 22, 2010
Laura Berman
Do you believe in soul mates? You might believe that this concept has a role only in cheesy rom-coms, but it turns out that Edward and Bella aren't the only people who believe in this romantic ideal.
In fact, a recent study found that two-thirds of Americans believe in soul mates, the idea that there is one "perfect" person out there for everyone. Romantic, right?
http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/berman/2732100,FIT-News-Berman22.article
Except for one thing. The University of Virginia study also found that people who believed in this concept were 150 percent more likely to divorce than people who had fewer fairy-tale expectations of marriage. Why is this?
For one thing, the concept of "soul mates" is exclusionary. It creates an "us-against-them" ideal that doesn't include the real world. Yet we know our marriages exist in the real world, in a world that includes family, friends, coworkers, neighbors and all the (occasionally unpleasant) responsibilities and relationships those entail.
Perhaps this is why the study found that people who viewed marriage as a commitment to family, fidelity and community were more likely to be happy in their marriages.
In other words, when you enter into the marriage with the understanding that you are marrying not just one "mate" but a whole new host of people, beliefs and traditions, you can better navigate all those potential pitfalls. After all, in the real world, we don't ride off into the sunset as a couple without any ties or responsibilities. Instead, we have to find a way to balance our children, parents, in-laws, bills, clients -- not to mention, our spouses!
Another problem with believing in a fairy-tale version of "happily ever after" is that it can make the real world seem like a bit of a let-down. Realistic expectations can go a long way in preventing future disappointment. However, this doesn't mean you should "settle" or give in to less than you deserve! Instead, it simply means accepting that all relationships take work, especially when it comes to marriage. Your partner can't be perfect all the time, even if he or she is your soul mate. You still have to communicate your feelings, work through tough times, and even pick up the slack every now and then.
Unfortunately, many people think that if they are with the "right" person, then the relationship shouldn't require any effort, especially in the bedroom. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Every sex life takes work, regardless of whether you are soul mates or not. Scheduling sex might not be spontaneous, but if it's the only way that you can guarantee that you and your partner can make time for sex in your busy lives, then it's an excellent option.
(And the good news is that if you get in the habit of making sex a priority, you will soon find that your experiences become more organic and you can eventually toss the schedule).
Most importantly, don't get hung up on the idea that sex always should happen like it does in the movies, or that everyone else in the world is having a wild, perfect sex life and you aren't. That's not the case. We all have to work at it at times, and every couple experiences ebbs and flows.
If you come to the table with these realistic expectations, you won't be so hard on yourself when a dry spell arises -- and more importantly, you won't be ashamed to discuss this issue with your partner.
So is there such a thing as soul mates? It all depends on who you ask, but one thing is for sure: Cinderella and Prince Charming wouldn't stand a chance if they didn't have strong communication skills, a willingness to compromise, and of course, a healthy dose of fun!
Dr. Berman hosts "The Dr. Laura Berman Show" from 4 to 6 p.m. weekdays on Oprah Radio (on XM 156/Sirius195).
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http://dreamlearndobecome.blogspot.com This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.
The concept of soul mates excludes responsibilities of family, friends and coworkers.
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