That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work - NY Times

Note From Jim:


In recent years I have taken a keen interest in research from the field of "Positive Psychology", a segment of Psychology that has been championed by a former president of the American Psychological Association, Martin Seligman. Serious work in the disciple of Positive Psychology and the Psychology of Happiness has determined that we all have the power to make ourselves happier, more optimistic, more grateful, and more fulfilled. This applies to our relationships at home and at work. With regard to our personal relationships, the article below shares best practices recommended by top researchers and academics in this field.  Make a difference starting now!

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Excerpts:
That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work
By JANE E. BRODY

Studies by Richard E. Lucas and colleagues at Michigan State University... Research reported by Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside.... Studies by Barbara L. Fredrickson, a social psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.


[Apply important] effort to keep the embers of love alive... Infatuation and passion have even shorter life spans, and must evolve into "companionate love, composed more of deep affection, connection and liking,"

Building Companionship

... strategies include making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection.


"the importance of appreciation" [and expressions of gratefulness]: count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage.

Also important is variety, which is innately stimulating and rewarding and "critical if we want to stave off adaptation," ... Mix things up, be spontaneous, change how you do things with your partner to keep your relationship "fresh, meaningful and positive."...Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac that can also enhance the pleasures of marital sex.   Variety goes hand in hand with another tip: surprise. With time, partners tend to get to know each other all too well, and they can fall into routines that become stultifying. Shake it up. Try new activities, new places, new friends. Learn new skills together.  
"A pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder - the science of touch suggests that it can save a so-so marriage," Dr. Lyubomirsky writes. "Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness."


Support your partner's values, goals and dreams, and greet his or her good news with interest and delight.

Positive Energy


Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown.


... cultivating positive energy everyday "motivates us to reach out for a hug more often or share and inspiring or silly idea or image."... happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but "very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one."

[Work towards] striving to increase the ratio of positive to negative [to 5:1].


[Work towards] asking yourself each morning, "What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner's life better?" The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness.
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Access Article and Other Great Content: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/14/that-loving-feeling-takes-a-lot-of-work/?emc=eta1