A But-Free Day | Psychology Today Blogs

A But-Free Day Psychology Today Blogs

[active-constructive responding]

By Christopher Peterson, Ph.D. on May 13, 2009 - 12:45pm in The Good Life

Excerpts:

According to research by psychologists Shelly Gable, Harry Reis, and colleagues (2004), the way couples respond to each other's good news influences the happiness and stability of their relationships, perhaps more so than how they respond to bad news. This finding is important because so much of couples counseling focuses on resolving conflicts, fighting fairly, and being assertive.

In particular, active-constructive responding is beneficial. When someone comes home with what he or she regards as good news, how does the other person respond upon hearing it? Active-constructive responding is enthusiastic and engaged.

The recommendation follows that people in relationships should use more active-constructive responding. Sounds simple, but proves difficult. I know this because over the years, I have asked students in my classes to try active-constructive responding for a week, not just with their romantic partners but with people in general.

Given the difficulty in active-constructive responding, at least for those of us who lack the style in our repertoire, I devised a simpler intervention that can be described as active-constructive light. When someone relates good news, respond without using the word but. The generalized version of this intervention is to go through an entire day without using the word but or any of its close cousins like however, whereas, yet, then again, and on the other hand. I call this a but-free day, which sounds like an exercise video. Rather than toning up your rear end, this exercise should tone up your relationships.

Read full post including examples: http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/200905/free-day

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This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.