Should Everyone Play By Your Rules? | Psychology Today Blogs

Should Everyone Play By Your Rules? Psychology Today Blogs

By Jane Bolton, Psy.D., M.F.T., C.C. on May 29, 2009 - 11:33am in Your Zesty Self

Excerpts:

With people, it is often more difficult to tell the difference between what we have the power to influence and what we don't. And, if we are not clear about the limitations of our power, we expect the impossible from ourselves. The result is exasperation, helplessness and resentment. All of which drain our zest.

A common source of personal power leakage is in trying to enforce our standards, and our rules, on other people. We may, consciously or unconsciously, expect others to live by our own rules and standards.

We have several choices when we are constantly distressed by another's actions or inactions. One of the choices is, of course, to have no further interaction with the other. Another, is to communicate calmly and clearly your distress and to ask for a behavior change. When all else has failed, and you don't want to leave the relationship or keep harping on your request, adjusting your expectations is necessary.

Common unenforceable rules include the following: People have to tell me the truth. They have to be fair to me. My parents have to stop criticizing me. Other people shouldn't judge me. Life has to be easy. My partner has to give me an anniversary card. She has to care for me the way I want to be cared for.

How to Challenge Your Unenforceable Rules for Others
Here are 7 steps to follow to improve your power leakage.

1. Acknowledge that you are upset and name what you are feeling.

2. Recognize that your upset is partly because you are trying to enforce an unenforceable rule.

3. Realize that you, more than the other person, are the one with the distress about the problem.

4. Articulate the unenforceable rule that is at the core of your upset.

5. Commit to consciously change your demands demanding and shift to thinking about what it is that you want or need.

6. Focus on finding your positive intention behind the demand or grievance.

7. Now work towards accomplishing your goal.

Read full article: http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/should-everyone-play-your-rules
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This posting was made my Jim Jacobs, President & CEO of Jacobs Executive Advisors. Jim also serves as Leader of Jacobs Advisors' Insurance Practice.